Lost Archives

Today (present, present) I found an entry I had penned on a train a few months ago and had totally forgotten about it. Now in order to right the wrongs of the past I am publishing this previously unseen material verbatim.

Please Note: Those that are easily confused by time talk and fear they might not now know whether they still have to take a tea break or not and whether lunch is served before breakfast should probably stop reading now…

I am sitting (past, past, present) on a train writing, well penning this (Authors note: some parts may be a bit repetitive but are included for authentication purposes) to be typed out later (by later of course I was allowing for the possibility that it may be a few months), on my way to Worcester. The last week has been absolute chaos and I have not yet managed to spend two nights in the same bed! But alas this is not due to my charming ways and dashing good looks although I see why one may think so. Its because we’ve had the pleasure of Pete the sheet, a.k.a The double Cheat visiting and so been touring Scotland in all its glory. It’s been brilliant as we literally tripped through Edinburgh for two days. The first night we arrived we struggled to find a place to stay until we finally got a place in a dorm. The opportunity was jumped at and we settled in to a night of drinking and discovering the new city. We however made the school boy error of not returning completely wasted and perhaps a little earlier than the hairy/ bald guy (hairy and bald in all the wrong places) (who had some how managed to convince some creature to return with him to a six bedroom dorm!) expected. Well you’ll be pleased to know our arrival only briefly interrupted the terrible (I assume she was ugly too with out actually having seen. I saved myself that mental image) twosome before they were once again going about the business of making the beast with two backs (Who’s was hairier is any ones guess…if you into guessing those sort of things that is). I felt violated as the bunk beds rocked back and forth but thankfully our new friends weren’t much in the tantric department and with a huff and a puff the fun and games were soon over…and so was our stay. Pete and I vacated the backpackers by 7am, showered packed and slightly hung over only to suddenly found ourselves driving around a very deserted Edinburgh…still better than where we were.


A day of shrooms, tourists, a bit of a piss up and a night in a much upgraded B&B and it was time to answer the call of the open road again. On our way we came upon (by this I mean we detoured a mere 100 miles) the oldest living thing in Europe…wait for it…a 5000yr old Yew Tree. Yes as you may imagine (and now Ben for you (and for others who were struggling with stories that had no pictures) I have included a picture) it was spectacularly unimpressive despite the occasional branch reaching out to entice us into its ancient bosom of knowledge…no sorry I digress, not even the shrooms helped here, it sucked, magnificently! So turning to the Cheat I suggested we paid homage to the old ways of the Voortrekkers, saddle up and “Kyk Noord en vok voord.”












That evening we arrived in the city of Inverness where we prepared for our final leg through the Highlands along the some really beautiful Lochs. Inverness is supposed to be far enough north that on good nights you can bear witness to the great phenomenon of the Northern Lights…Um…Yew Tree, nuff said.

Loch Ness was our first port of call the following day and after a morning on the banks and two dips in the freezing water a great creature from the dark depths of the mystical water attacked no one. To be fare though I didn’t need to see the thing, it’s a bit like having sharks in the sea, you don’t personally have to have seen one in the area to kak while swimming.

Its now three days after the swim and a day after I started this (that would be past, present to you) and I’m on a train, yet again, on my way to London to try and sort out my life before Monday. When it’s rumoured I have a meeting with reality in the form of a regular nine to five. I suppose the holiday had to end some time…well not till Monday and in the mean time London awaits!