Wingman

Maxim’s Wingman Training Manual

Sure, you’d help a pal crack a beer, but would you help him crack heads? Our guide to being all the friend you can be.

DUTY #1: WIPE HIS BEER GOGGLES
If he takes her home, he’s gonna blame you—so make like Jiminy Cricket.
Situation: Is he rip-roaring drunk? Sad-clown morose? On the lam after years on a men-only prison barge? Who knows? The dangerous thing is that his judgment of the fair sex is way, way off. It’s bad enough the girl he’s scamming sports circus-tent underwear, but all his pro boner work for the Pigs Need a Pork Foundation is killing any shot he has at primate sex…bringing you right down the evolutionary ladder with him.
Your mission: Saving your pal from sliding into skank is one of a wingman’s primary functions, so you must advise in the strongest possible terms against unsavory engagements. If he brushes aside your vigorous objection in front of at least one witness, you are officially relieved of your wingman responsibilities. But if it’s an encounter you’re 100 percent certain your pal will later regret, frag him with a smart bomb: “Hey, Bob. Tell her about your white blood cell count.”
DUTY #2: BACK UP HIS LIES
Misinformation is powerful social ammunition…Bombs away!
DUTY #3: FALL ON A GRENADE
War ain’t pretty, and neither is “the friend”? This is your mission.
DUTY #4: BACK HIM UP IN A BRAWL
All’s fair in love and bar fighting—so where the hell were you?
DUTY #5: KEEP HIM CORRUPT
Love is wonderful…but not when it interferes with decadence duty.
DUTY #6: GET HIM HOME ALIVE
It’s all fun and games until your buddy wakes up in the clink.

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