The Intergalactic Daily Message (D.M. - Die Emmers, get it, its frigging brilliant) Hosted by the Holiday House constituents in Cape Town. Spreading the good news to YOU, whilst creating the illusion that you never left home and we still love you.

Wednesday, August 31

History Lesson

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

okay now back to work!!

Mac VS Hoff Continued









introducing your very own **** twisters


The Turd Twister is a complete kit for shaping your turd into amazing designs, and it comes with a hilarious instruction manual. It's the Ultimate Gift for the person who has everything, including a "twisted" sense of humor!


check out www.turdtwister.com

handicap restroom

can someone please tell me how a wheelchair is supposed to get in there?

Swazi princess whipped for loud music

The king of Swaziland's daughter was whipped by a palace official at a party of teenage virgins ahead of a festival where more than 50,000 maidens are available to become her father's 13th wife, media said on Sunday.

Princess Sikhanyiso, 17, told the Times of Swaziland a palace official whipped girls, including beauty queen Miss Swaziland, at the party as a punishment after they refused to turn down the music. She was pictured showing her bruises.

Sera isnt this your country, come on, sort your people out.

Tuesday, August 30

Time to protect your banana

Are you fed up with bringing bananas to work or school only to find them bruised and squashed? Our unique, patented device allows for the safe transport and storage of individual bananas letting you enjoy perfect bananas anytime, anywhere.

The
Banana Guard was specially designed to fit the vast majority of bananas. Its other features include multiple small perforations to facilitate ventilation thereby preventing premature ripening and a sturdy locking mechanism to keep the Banana Guard closed. The Banana Guard is of course dishwasher safe for easy cleaning.

Singapore to host the world's first toilet college

Mr. J, mabey we should take our DSTV money and send ol' Bullshit Crap on one of these:

The world's first toilet college is to open in Singapore to teach cleaners how to improve their lavatory washing skills.The first batch of 30 students from a local cleaning company will start their training at the Toilet College in October, local broadcaster Channel NewsAsia said on its website.The college is being set up by the Singapore-based World Toilet Organisation.

Send your name to Pluto

NASA is preparing to send the New Horizons probe to Pluto, and YOU can be there too - or, at least, your name.

The New Horizons probe will be launched in January 2006 to explore Pluto and the Kuiper belt, in the outskirts of the Solar System. It is expected that the probe will return to earth in approximately 50 thousand years.

I'm proud to say that Die Emmers will be there, at the cutting edge of science:


Monday, August 29

Daily Message

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

Drink. More Coffee.

It would seem that coffee has numerous health benefits, and could be construed to be a 'health drink'.

From the article: "'A study has found that coffee contributes more antioxidants - which have been linked with fighting heart disease and cancer - to the diet than cranberries, apples or tomatoes...[antioxidants in coffee] have been linked to a number of health benefits, including protection against heart disease and cancer. Studies have associated coffee drinking with a reduced risk of liver and colon cancer, type two diabetes, and Parkinson's disease.'"

I would like to add that, how you drink your coffee may benefit your health, as the following picture shows:




i'm in...

i had always hoped this day would come...
i feel victorious...
i might just have to celebrate tonight...
thanks guys! i'm proud to be a new member ...
i'm taking the plunge, fighting the battles, practicing my no hands, and langarm spins - so hopefully i can live up to the dieemmers name!

:)

Its not as easy as you might think

Refering to a comment by Wezzo:
"I dont get the whole Die Emmers thing Jammin, you seem to add members Willy Nilly."

No dude, Its not that easy. You seem to have the whole Die Emmer concept back to front.

The Die Emmer world is much bigger that our little blog. The poor thing is just trying to catch up.
Imagine you had a network in place, across the globe, of willing journalists, sectret agents and cultural liaisons. Now imagine all of these "agents" where forced there from their beloved Cape Town due to factors such as job availability, adventure seeking, fresh air taking, treasure hunting and so forth.

So this world exist and all we at Die Emmers is trying to do is to provide a platform for our lost brood to feel cosy and tell us their tales. We've only just beguuuun.

Now not anybody can become a Emmer. A small little list of qualifications are needed:

  1. We need to have known you for longer than 4 years
  2. You need to want to become a Emmer with all your heart
  3. You need to be interesting
  4. You need to be 7 beers and 2 tequilas away from becoming a alcoholic
  5. You need to adhere to all the rules of the BOERIE
  6. Non of the current Emmers must object to your appointment
  7. And you need to shake that booty like it like it was on fire

On that note, We might just get a new member today. Only time will tell.

Thursday, August 25

New Addition: Steve the sleeve.


A short rundown on Stevo’s claims to fame:
(photo filtered to protect his identity)
Son of a preacher man.

Crazy like Valkenberg.
Currently resides in Taipei

Stripping in public places
Doing the worm.
Laughs like a hyena seagull cross.
Used to be on etv on Wednesdays.

Welcome to Die Emmers Stevo!

Proud to be in on the whole thing buddies

Well this is just to say that I am in...it feels great!
For more information on my whereabouts please contact my lawyer on 0-800-non-existant-1.... for rizzle all my brothers and sisters. Dit is maar a groot compliment!

Cartoonies

They are like an accident scene- you just cant look away
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Check it atPBF
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thanks Chumpstylers for finding these weird wonders

The Hoff Bites Back

Een Moerse Bobbejaan

King Kong is coming and its looking good, I cannot wait. Peter Jackson directing (you must remember him from that small series of movies called: The Lord Of the Rings). Here is just a small extreme makeover teaser

Before:
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After:
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By the by, King Kong voice is Andy Serkis, yes, our good buddy Gollum

Only comming in December, but its nice looking forward to things

Daily Message

"I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. Do I believe the world's still there? Is it still out there?... Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different. "
Memento
What a great movie, i'll rate it up there in my top 5

Wednesday, August 24

Politically Correct...

  1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
  2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
  3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
  4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
  5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
  6. She does not get DRUNK - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
  7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
  8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
  9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
  10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
  11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
  12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
and for men...
  1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
  2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
  3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
  4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
  5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
  6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
  7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASSHOLE - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
  8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
  9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
  10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

If there's grass on the wicket

Loving it loving it loving it, you boys have done well. We can indeed play some cricket now.

So this morning in the shower I ask myself: "what happened to the Daily Message?" Well i think we where too busy chasing hits to actually focus on why the blog was initially created. For the daily message. For the people. For the sunshine, the moonlight, the boogie. So I am bringing it back.

Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.
Joseph Wood Krutch (1893 - 1970)

And then some of you might even remember the QWOD (quintessential word of the day):


schadenfreude \SHOD-n-froy-duh\, noun:
A malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of
others.

Thats when someone cuts you off and bumps their car three meters later and you catch yourself going:" Ha ha, Moooha ha ha MOOOOOO ha ha ha ha HA HA" basically the evil laugh in bad spy movies. I'm getting them more and more these days. (thanks Tom)


What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know what you mean.

Tuesday, August 23

Die Emmers Shamings Presents....

The Jammin & The Pope:

POWERNAP x 2 ....

Not to be Narcissistic.........

But doesn't this rock your socks off
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Thanks Pope, When are we gettin that new look?

The Sun

That great big sizzling ball in the sky. Its important. Without it we would not be here.

There are three different word roots that are used to refer to the star that gives life to our planet, sun, helios, and sol.

Helios
In ancient Greek myths Hyperion was the god of the sun, but eventually this became more associated with his son, helios. An eclipse in India in 1868 offered an opportunity to do something never before done, pass light from the Sun's atmosphere through a spectroscope. When light passes through a spectroscope it breaks into bands of unique colors that represent pure elements. One color was at a position never found on Earth. Assuming that the element only occured in the Sun, Astronomer Norman Lockyer named it Helium, "sun element". Later it was found on earth, but the name stuck.

Sol
When the Romans conquered the Greeks, their fascination with the Greek culture led to retaining many of the same myths, with the major characters replaced with a related Roman god. The Roman god associated with the sun was Sol, and thus we get words like solar system, parasol , and solarium (sun room). The para in parasol is not the same as the para in parabola and parallel, but comes from the Latin parare, which means to prepare. A parasol is thus preparation for the sun.

Sun
The word sun, itself, may come from the same Indo-European root that gave us sol, or perhaps there is an old Norse or Tutonic god out there I haven't found yet. However it started, it made its way from the Germanic into the Middle English as sunne to become our sun of today.

Monday, August 22

Anybody who is anybody

So suddenly its cool to be a Emmer, I dont mind, as long as you are able to keep up with the pace, do a no-hands-bolamakisie and post occasionally. Well please read the following e-mail I just received. Should I let her be a Emmer. If enough people respond then you are in:

"dear Die-emmers apparent Master...

Here is the email you have so dearly been longin for! i know its taken alot out of you, waiting in anticipation for this so-called "attempt-to-knock-you-off-your-feet-so-i-can-be-part-of-the-madness" trial run email!

so where do i start - i suppose the natural selection would be to show what it is i would have longed to have posted on this dreary monday! so here it goes! i'll give it a good ol' sarah bash... if it is not up to standard, i'll have to keep tryin and tryin in order to save face and prove my worthiness! as I don’t want to be voted off the island just yet…

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THIS LOOKER WAS NEEDED SATURDAY!

Although everyone clearly took care of themselves Saturday…(except someone who kept on forgettin to pull up his zip) it was random calling of “get me another amstel” when sitting only three feet away anyway that brought to my attention we could all do with one of these next time.. Or perhaps we’d just want the beer… and ben could get up and get his own…





Pretty impressive carrying this..


Hmmm. Reading over it.. it might not worthy on the first attempt… but I’ll get there… I think this might not work, as clearly no one will remember anything anyway! Hehehe…

Have a fantastic day!..."

Well what do you people think, should she join or should we drop her like a toilet seat

The Land of Grey

Yes, it is indeed true... essmeralda has arrived in the land of grey - the grey weather, grey suits and earl grey tea, but true to form she is trying to mix it up a little...
This world-traveller/ South American correspondent is trying her darndest to crack 'the London code', a.k.a finding a job and a house - not easy in this neck of the woods.

Otherwise this party girl (whatever, as she is even older now, and even less prone to party nites) has made an entrance in Birmingham, and popped into Guildford yesterday, and there is even talk of a little camping this weekend...

London is fabulous, but alas she is missing her wonderful friends, but will be sure to organise some big events over December. She thankfully has the trusted De Beer trio in close proximity, even if Ro is stationed out on 'the island', and Jeep, the lurve ninja, is based in the home of the trusted Worchester (sp?) sauce.

Essmeralda even managed to crack the nod to the beautiful and famous pad of Nev and Jacey on Saturday, and a wonderful, alcohol - soaked nite was enjoyed by all... Ben, send them an invite.

Alas, our girl must get back to her endless hours of jobhunting now.
hasta la vista,
ester molester

A London England Emmer

Gotta keep moving up, gotta keep movin forward. Gotta keep it fresh, cool, hip, happening, slippin, slidin', jumpin, jive'n. Gotta keep up with the mostest, hostest, k'nostest. Yes I am indeed trying to rap. We gotta fight with the might of a slight kite. OK I'll stop.
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We have a new Blogger, Can you feel it. We are just soooo cool. Well this lady's CV goes all the way up. She was our on location reporter in South America. She is our Interior Designer, veggie power, one of the original DMers, but due to the techological constrainsts of some third world countries, she is only joining us now. We expect great things from you, Lets hear it for ESMARELDA!!!

Friday, August 19

I've got soul, but I'm not a Soldier


DMer news flash- Our very own self-proclaimed celebrity, Spoonk, ( no not Spoonk and Diesel) will be in Cape Town this weekend. 19:30 Planet bar- Mount Nelson Hotel, Tooo-night, be there or hear about.

Update: being the Social butterfly that she is the plan has changed. Its now Caveau Wine bar on Hertitage square.

Thursday, August 18

Die Emmers Shamings: Lindors

A promised, the second instalment of Die Emmers Shamings:

Brett "Lindors" Mallen : Pretty in Pink.

I think the picture says enough....



Lipstick : Sexy

Rain makes you nasty

Why do Cape Townians take twice as long to get work in bad weather? Rain plays a factor, visibility , yes aswell, but research done at the Notegal Institute in Wynberg has proven that there is indeed a much bigger dynamic. It is based on the psyche of the driver combined with disclosure of weather alteration mixed in with the crystals under the mountain.
These studies use a measurement called the GDB – Good Driving Behaviour.

The GDB encompasses all elements of good driving, (following distance, courteous attitude, law abiding etc ). In the graph below you will notice that with the amount of rain increasing the GDB drops rapidly.
Actually it almost disappears completely if the rain is enough. It’s a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Situation. The Cape Townian evolves into a grumpy little monster as he slowly loses all capacity to think logically. With road rage the highest in SA than anywhere in the world this is a startling revelation. Be warned people, rain makes you evil.

Oh this is good.

Africa Baby, You gotta love it.

An actual sick note:


Eish. Too musch theenking.

Single click to see the full size image. But lets not split hairs now Wezzo Or if you are obssesive compulsive you can double click as many times as you like.

In the words of Sanjeev Bhaskar: "The HOFF, The HOFF"


Actor David Hasselhoff is amazed at the lengths some of his fans go to in order to meet him - one admirer tried to kill herself to get his attention.
The lady had become so fixated with the former "Baywatch" star that she jumped out of a high-storey window when she couldn't speak to him, reports celebrity portal Femalefirst.

Hasselhoff was left surprised when he heard the fan's near-death experience hadn't left her any less determined to meet him.
Hasselhoff recalled: "The woman threatened to jump out of a window unless she met me. She jumped, hit some awning and broke her leg."


Publish Date : 6/2/2005 6:47:00 PM Source : Entertainment News Onlypunjab.com

Here is a Link to
BEN'S DAVID HASSELHOFF COLLECTION

Wednesday, August 17

Friggin Freezing

Why has it been so cold in Cape Town?
I'll tell you why.

Cause its been friggin snowing on Table mountain.
I know, its mad
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Ahhhhh. must. get. thermal. underwear....
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And its that incessant cold that attacks any exposed appendage just as you are about to start that Jessica Alba dream. Gets me every time.

Living the Asian Dream

I was chatting to a friend who currently resides in Taipei City in Taiwan on Msn Messenger this afternoon :::::)

--------
stevo says:
you wont bekieve what haoppened to me on the weekend


stevo says:

f*ckin nuts

stevo says:
i picked up this chick and took her home and after a shag fell into a drunken sleep only to find that she was gone when i woke up and she helped herself to all my cash in my wallet, my cellphone and my sunnies


the pope says:

nice one


stevo says:
sh/t house - got me thinking about this one night stand f*ckin thing


stevo says:
i think i should at least get to know them a day or two before a shag

the pope says:
fantastic


stevo says:
bitch


---------

Bummer buddy
Very unfortunate but it did bring alot of joy (laughing) to everyone that knows the stevo and the lucky little lady with the new phone, shades and spending money.





Get out your diaries, set your alarms, the SABC event of the year is comming your way. YES, you heard right. Tonight on the Kumar's at no 42 they will be interviewing the............... wait for it......................its gonna be good...................................they will be interviewing the HOFF. Whoo hoo. Dont miss it.

Tuesday, August 16

Magnum Cheese. I. Photos

what

aparty!more than a bottle of of my good friend Jose's worth !


The Pope, Sera, Ninon (spelling, sorry)
The Pope, Sera, Ninon (spelling, sorry)

Fran's Hoola Tug-of-War Partner and friend
Fran's Hoola Tug-of-War Partner and friend

The Magnum P.I. Team
The Magnum P.I. Team

The Jammin Chef and Pimpin' Fran
The Jammin Chef and Pimpin' Fran

The rest of the party pics can be seen here !

THE WOODPECKER MIGHT HAVE TO GO!

Fife, Scotland - Women's taste in men could vary depending on whether they are taking the contraceptive pill, researchers claim.

Psychologists said taking the contraceptive could lead to women choosing men with a "macho" appearance, as opposed to those with less masculine features.

During tests, scientists at St Andrews and Stirling Universities showed female subjects different images of men and asked which one they would select as a potential long-term companion. Women who were on the pill were more attracted to men with strong masculine features but the reverse was true of women not taking it.

The study argues that men with more masculine faces should be perceived to be more attractive as their characteristics suggest they will provide good immunity genes. But researchers found that in choosing long-term partners, women would subconsciously select men with less-threatening facial features, theoretically indicating honesty and good child-rearing skills.

Men with a more rugged appearance, such as a pronounced jawline and cheekbones, were held to be more attractive for women looking for short-term partners.Anthony Little, who conducted the research, said the pill's disruption of ovulation could lead to them making the wrong choice in long-term partners. He told the London-based Sunday Times,"Where a woman chooses her partner while she is on the pill, and then comes off it to have a child, she may find she is married to the wrong man.

"Previous research at St Andrews had suggested a woman's menstrual cycle was a key factor in deciding preferences between masculine and feminine features in potential partners.

Monday, August 15

The almighty dollar

The origin of the almighty dollar is in what is now the Czech Republic. In 1519, a silver mine near the town of Joachimstal (literally "Joachim's valley," from the German Tal, meaning valley) began minting a silver coin called, unimaginatively, the Joachimstaler. The coin, which was circulated widely, became better known by its clipped form, the taler. In Dutch and Low German, the initial consonant softened to become daler. English adopted this form, eventually changing its spelling to the modern dollar.

In the American colonies, there was no standard currency. The coin that was in widest use was the Spanish Peso, known also as "Pieces of Eight." (Perhaps the origins of the $ dollar symbol) The English colonists informally assigned the name dollar to this coin. In 1785, when the Continental Congress established U.S. currency, they adopted dollar as name for the standard unit of currency, at the suggestion of Governeur Morris and Thomas Jefferson, because the term was widely known and was not associated with any form of official English currency. (Jefferson also coined the term disme, from the French dixieme, for a tenth of a dollar. Pronounced deem, it eventually became dime.)

The United States was the first nation to adopt an official currency named the dollar. In 1797, the Bank of England began minting "dollar" coins as bank-issued currency. Other nations that have adopted the name dollarfor their currency have done so in emulation of either the U.S. or this short-lived Bank of England practice.

Monday Babalas?


Its about friggin time that somebody tried to help the needy.

www.hungover.net

They even let you dim the screen if its too bright - absolutely brilliant

Dieemmers Shamings brings you: "The Jeep"

Today we introduce something new, something fresh, something nasty.

Ladies and Gentleman, Die Emmers Shamings is here.

Its all about lipstick, compromising situations, and breakdancing in public.


So here it is: Our first ever shaming...


4:37 AM....As JP was about to undo his shoelaces after a hard night out back at Team Noordelike, he ran out of poooooower.If you look carefully you will see the shroud of his famed Turbos Project near his head, which he was no doubt fondling before he passed out.

Beautiful.

Tomorrow we bring you a much anticipated shaming entitled:

Lindors: Pretty in Pink.

Cant wait.

Now this is special...


The first ever all-glass undersea restaurant in the world will open its doors for business at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. Ithaa* will sit five meters below the waves of the Indian Ocean, surrounded by a vibrant coral reef and encased in clear acrylic offering diners 270-degrees of panoramic underwater views.



“We have used aquarium technology to put diners face-to-face with the stunning underwater environment of the Maldives”, says Carsten Schieck, General Manager of Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. “Our guests always comment on being blown away by the colour, clarity, and beauty of the underwater world in the Maldives, so it seemed the perfect idea to build a restaurant where diners can experience fine cuisine and take time to enjoy the views – without ever getting their feet wet."

Ithaa is reached by a wooden walkway from the nearby over-water Sunset Grill Restaurant. Diners begin their meal with drinks on a specially constructed deck over the ocean and then descend to the restaurant via a spiral staircase where the à la carte menu is served. Seating only 14 people, Ithaa offers one of the most intimate and exclusive dining experiences in the world.

Friday, August 12

Dawn of a new era

I have recently acquired myself a portable MP3 player and am finding that I may never see my senses in the same light again. My world has been transformed by the ability to control the inputs that my body’s senses are bombarded with daily.

I propose being able to choose what you see but not what you hear has been one of the leading factors preventing ears attaining the level of popularity that eyes have held for the past million years or so. There are, of course, those who would have you believe that sight’s rise to fame was due to our eyes ability to interpret various wave lengths of light as the myriad of colours (16 Million at last count) we all ooh and aah at during sunsets and other such beautiful and emotive scenes. Or, for the less optimistic, those that believe its popularity stems from the fact that they mostly help us avoid stubbing toes and stepping out in front of the occasional passing bus. And all though these are both valid arguments they just don’t happen to be completely right.

Imagine if you will in years gone by when man still lived in caved dwellings and relied on instinct for survival. Surely at no other time were our senses of more importance to us than then and yet this was seemingly the beginning of the ears demise. Not because we couldn’t hear a sabre tooth sneaking up on us (they were stealthy buggers) or because you didn’t always hear your mom calling you at a crucial moment in a game of pre-historic ching chong cha (a.k.a rock, boulder, pebble). But because of what we couldn’t help hearing. As all abodes where single “room” affairs children were forced to endure the sounds of the old man banging the misses head against the old head board, or cave wall in poorer families. With no pillows to cover their ears we developed into a species embarrassed and confused about sexuality and the act of procreation. And a host of other disorders too numerous to mention. We need only examine the Dutch Reformed or the Catholic Church to see how that came to affect us. And so the ear became a second class sense, something we couldn’t control to our liking.

But now our ears can fight back. We still can’t close them or swivel them to avert an unpleasant sound but we can now plug into a library of music (legally purchased of course) and select an appropriate theme track for our lives. Track selection may be influenced by things such as cloud cover (the meteorological and cranial variety), number of hours sleep, days left till the weekend or general mojo levels. The sound of annoying kids and arguing chavs (those would be the dodgy pikey like buggers wearing tracksuits and peroxided hair) fade into oblivion by the liberal use of the volume control.

Now whether this will only fuel our current tendencies to excommunicate our fellow man and perpetuate the circumstance of which it has been said helps terrorist carry out attacks in our big cites, I don’t know.

What I do know is now I plug in and the world around me becomes a sphere of sound and emotion specifically designed for the comfort of, arguably the most important person in my universe…me!

Are you cool?

See how you rate

Thursday, August 11

Funny thing happened at the Elandsbay Hotel Bar the other day


So the Jammin and the Pope are sitting in the Elandsbay hotel bar. Rather elated by the current bokke win they are still putting back back-to-back brande and cokes and generally chatting to the array a weird and wonderfull characters that have mustered a stronghold on the bar for what seems the rest of the night.
These characters include:
Blacky Swart- a stocky middle aged man whose responsibility it is to make sure that the crayfish pumps do not go below the low water mark (which will result in the pump sucking in air, burning out and all the crayfish dieing). So Blacky sits in the bar and runs to the crayfish factory every 2 hours and everybody knows his name.
Oom Thinus Louw - a 80 year old oomie who has spent his whole life in Elandsbay fishing and sitting in this exact bar.
The Barman: A fluffy guy that ran bars around the world including Alex in Joburg and something in Slaapstad. Well life in the city got too much for our man ( he apparently got robbed at gun point close to 8 times) so he and his wife moved to e-bay for peace a quiet.
Barman’s wife: A rather large set dreadlocked lady with a temper set as short as she is wide
Crazy Horse: A long mained surfer boy from Joburg who lost his 7 year fiancé and his business in the same week and decided that life was more about the waves.


So after the Jammin and the Pope got unsuccessfully woo’d to some weird ladies’s hotel room, the shit got weird. The barman returned from one of his increasingly suspicious little weed runs covered in blood. The poor man was so stoned that he did not even realise that his faced looked like it was mauled by a bag of angry kittens. Naturally the whole bar was up in arms: “ who did this? Give us names!!” and so everybody ran outside in search of the culprit. It being a small town he was found rather quickly. Blacky Swart decided that it is a good idea to fling this man from wall to wall holding onto nothing but the guy’s collar. I must say I did feel sorry for the bugger but there was no way I was getting between Blacky and his prey.

While all this was going on old Crazy HHHHorse returns from a undisclosed mission to see the entire bar up in arms about something. After numerous polite attempts to find out what was happening he decides that putting his fist through the front door will get him enough attention to find out: “wat die fok hier aangaan”. He deduces that the guy being held up by Blacky could need some further beating. So now its up to the Pope to restrain him and up to the Jammin to see if anybody will serve him another Brandewyn.

Enter the Polisiemanne from the building across the street ( I think it was the entire e-bay force) to take away the unfortunate perpetrator from additional head buds and crowd mauling. You would think its all over. No, now there is a screaming match between Crazy Horse and the barman’s wife. Crazy was gonna lose. The next guy to walk into the bar is the town’s prodigal son, straight out of rehab, and straight into a fit of slapping by Oom Thinus Louw, who believes that the boy is still on Tik and needs a on-site beating.
But why the Barman was full of blood? Here is what happened: the guy walked outside for a joint, only to see someone taking a piss against his car. So he starts running and (the rugby still fresh in his mind) dives the tackle of his life. He obviously misses completely and scrapes his face against the tar for about a good metre of momentum. That was all. There was actually no crime. Well after a shit load more shouting and tequilas they closed the bar except for our heroes and the locals and we all drank for free happily ever after.

Wednesday, August 10

Blogs have admin too


First off can I say how impressed I am with the response to the ultimatum, Go Ro, Go Kerry, Go Spoonk, you guys make me proud, what will we be with out you. You are blogging treasures. Now for Lindors and Moira, things are not looking so rosy, the clock is indeed ticking and it will break my heart to have to let you go, please don’t break my heart.

Secondly I would like to apologise for the lack of posting from my corner. I was dodging bricklike bullets.

Thirdly there seems to be crazy talk of some avid Emmers, their sisters, some Roxes, some fire-fighters, some waitresses and some airline pilots attempting to claim the mountain. Which mountain? The MOUNTAIN, the one we always talk about, the one Joburgers want to turn into a parking lot. Please don’t make me say it. Ok then, Table mountain. Yes, that one. We are going to climb it. On Saturday morning. I know. Do let a brother know if you are interested. The Hoff is going to be there.

Then lastly (sorry about all this admin, but if you look at the Pope’s pictures below you can see that we had to get some mud on his new bakkie, en daai bakkie vattie kakie) who has the CBD pictures. You know, that blogging dinner thing where we all got deliciously babooned and harpooned with some marooned Jaeger bombs. I remember someone taking pictures, but for the life of me I cannot remember who it was. Please forward them.

Then have a special day people

West Coast

Some
random
photo's
of
our
West
Coast
Camel
Adventure

Monday, August 8



Well, let me just say Ben that you have put the fear of a lonely and blogless life into me and so I here I am scraping the bottom of the barrel in the hope that I will not be expelled!
In my defence though .... I have been away .... did I say "away"? I meant to say "jetsetting" ... ( exhibit no.1 shows me on the ski slopes last week) AND look out for me (ok, my name) on the pages of Marie Claire and Elle (October editions - currently still being printed) OH! and you may have read about me in the July edition of the KULULA inflight magazine...
So - let me just say this - I may not be that hot at blogging but, I do add a certain element of celebrity-ishness to the site!
In all seriousness - I am sorry that I have been so slack - I do still love reading your D-Ms and hope that I am not relegated to the ranks of "once-was-a-member-but-was-so-crap-that-we-had-to-let-her-go"....
Hope all is well in Cape Town - anyone coming to Jozi soon? Summer is finally on its way here.... will be great parties at house - but will let you all know in good time!

Friday, August 5

HOFFUM P.I.


Look who is also trying to get in on the action.

Magnum Cheese. I. Party

Saturday 13th - MAGNUM CHEESE.I.

Magnum Cheese. I. The Tropical disco adventure
Incensed by the crimes perpetuated on our dance floors? Need help to find that elusive missing groove thing? Well panic no more, as straight in from Honolulu we have the daftest detective in TV land, coming to the rescue to inject some serious silliness into club land. Magnum Cheese. I. complete with Ferrari, Higgins, bad shirts and of course a monster moustache is on the case, with the tropical disco adventure.


Two dance floors: Downstairs is Higgins Hideout playing Fiesta Funk and Maui Motown featuring Senor Superfly, Dr Waldo and Uneasy. Upstairs is the Boathouse Boogie barn playing decadent disco featuring Jazza, Charlie brown, Big V and Dr Love

Dress Pina Colada Pimp, aloha aunties, LOUD SHIRTS, parrots, Toucans and fruity concoctions, beached babes, stoned surfers, Hula honeyz , huge moustaches or just mad way out garish 70's - anything goes.

Magnum Cheese. I. - The tropical disco adventure
Mercury Live and Lounge - 43 De Villiers District six
Sat 13th August doors 21:00 - arrive early for the fruity surprise R30 in costume R40 Without

"It wasn't anything earth shattering. I woke up one day, age 33, and realized I'd never been 23." - Thomas Sullivan Magnum III.

Man Of Year Nomination 2


After seeing boons post I thought to myself "What do you need all that wood for, beer would be much better"

Nominated for "Man of the Year"

Following on from Rox's Perfect Guy Post, I thought i'd nominate this cheerful chap for Man of the Year and with NWD bearing down on us the timing could not be better!
Get your votes in NOW!

Wednesday, August 3

Cape Town Blogging Dinner IS HERE


Allot of requests for the Time of the CBD. Its 20:00, (not Cape Town 20:00- which roughly translated means you start to thinking about getting ready round about 20:00, in this case it would then be Cape Town 19:30 for the guys and Cape Town 17:30 for the ladies).

I over-booked by three people so if you feel like bringing a date/sister let a brother know.

See you Mofo's there.

PS: wear something pretty

Midland Madness

As some of you may know Birmingham played host this weekend to the now world famous De Beer/Veldman birthday celebrations tradition. Which I may have to point out had a lot to live up to considering last year when the boys of Huis Noordelik hosted a party that kicked ass while simultaneously shakin it too and fro like a white J-Lo.

So the stage was set, and all anxiously awaited the arrival of the key players. Ess The “Molester Esmeralda” Veldman was first on the scene arriving a day early (fresh from her travels of the South Americas where it is rumoured she attended secret training camps on how to eat meat without letting your veggie friends know you’ve defected. This comes after an inside source lays claim to having heard the vegmiester confess to having had a bite of a Mr Mohammed Long Street boerie) to ensure she had prime position for the big night and had time to scout her domain. Ro The “I don’t need a day to scout the scene because I live on the most expensive bloody island in the Channel Isles and am therefore cool by association and the fact that I have to fly anywhere I want to go just adds to my cool ass mofo, retro, lekker by die beach, alter ego” De Beer in true style jetted in early on the Saturday morning and it was time for the games to begin!

Well the day got of to cracking start with champagne flowing and…. Umm no! That’s not exactly what happened. The girls just wanted to go shopping! Well I suppose they are only girls and so as the resident male (Please note: no feminists were injured during the writing of this blogg) I took it upon myself to spend the afternoon in a bar drinking beer trying to salvage some respect for the weekend to end all weekends. Now whether the weekend’s success was purely as a result of my selfless act I suppose we will never know but I did come across a road leading to a old friend of mine during the salvage operations. Some of you may know him as the Angel of “so nearly dead you actually wish you were” while others will be more familiar with him as the Angel formerly known as “The hangover caused by drinking all-day and making the schoolboy error of mixing drinks indiscriminately because you think you’ve recently been recruited as a member of the untouchables” who had to shorten his name for obvious reasons. But this is not a tale of my sorrows. So continuing… the girls have shopped till they dropped and managing to, in a mere 6 hours, buy a single pair of red shoes were now ready to hit the town.

Finally drinks were flowing people were merry and I was, not to put too fine a point on it, drunk. As the girls raced to catch up it seemed Esmeralda was about to show her true colours and slip in a bit of a break dance. But before she could squeeze in her first head spin for the evening a strange wind started to blow… I like to call this wind The Balti Boy Breeze. He came out of nowhere, feigning left then right a quick half pirouette for good measure and he was in there chatting laughing shaking some ass and generally playing a half decent game. Not bad I thought, as I observed with my steely eye gaze, obviously immune to his wit and charm. Knowing that these girls may be cheesy but never easy he was going to need a big finish if he planned on landing this one. And then it happened. He moved in and swept Ess right off her feet. Literally! Like a humming bird beatings its wings in a blur of speed and grace, Esmeralda was lifted up rotated 180 degrees and left hanging upside down in the middle of the dance floor. Time stood still as we bent over double in fits of uncontrollable laughter seeing Ess upside down not sure whether to protect her head from a fall that must surely come or stop her herself popping out of a shirt that was obviously never meant to be worn while suspended like a bat on Halloween.

So did the balti breeze fill her sails you may ask…well if you have ever tried to help Ess over a fence at say 11pm on a deserted railway track near Newlands Stadium you may well know what the answer to that question is. At least this time she left with her jeans intact if not completely with her dignity. My only regret is that overcome with laughter and slowed by tequila I was not able to utilise my usual cat like reflexes to snap a shot of the blonde bombshell bottoms up.

dead tired?

Tuesday, August 2

Check out the time!!!

Okay, Okay, Okay!!!

Okay, fair enough, I have been a shocking contributor.. but I have some very valid excuses...not that any of you really want to know, but it will give me something to blog.............
Now, no-one ever told me that being unemployed/selfemployed would be so bloody hectic.. My typical day consists of 8am wake up call, gym until 10am, first client at 10:30/11ish, admin, castings or drama course or another client after lunch and then another client around 5:30/6ish and that ends around 7ish/8ish...so yes, the day is long, all the admin in between (and there is loads), I don't even have time to hit all the coffee spots for a mid-morning or mid-afvie break... So yes, I shouldn't complain, but my god, I then spend my evening from 7pm onwards watching the odd CSI or Footballers Wives or Desparate Housewives in between 'dial up emailing'(yes Mr J, laugh hysterically)....have you any idea how hectic that is...I then end up finally going to bed around 12ish/1ish...so the cycle then begins again....
Make no mistake, I am loving life, but my creative output is so not happening...hence the drama course, which is awesome...but hardwork...I was in the 11 year old's class last week (missed the adult class, as I had a client)...this 11 yr old boy reckoned that I was pretty tall for an 11 yr old, (coming onto me maybe,but you had to see him, so very very camp and so very very gay at such a young age) ..The course was great fun though...learnt to breath and stretch....so hold thumbs...I could win that Oscar yet...
Besides that, would love to hook up soon, we have a smashing new dining room table and 8 whole chairs, comfy ones, so I think a little dinner is on it's way.. As for a friends far and wide, take care and hang out in safe places...glad that you all had a wonderful week-end....
Lotsa love all...
Kx
p.s, Ben, is this good enough???

And I hope you like Jammin too

Its round about this time of year (mid year resolutions – that is why the gym is suddenly so packed) when I get thoroughly gatvol (eng- tired) of my current music collection. There is some good stuff in there but nothing I haven’t listened too at least 300 times. I need new tunes. So here is the thing, I know what I like, but I have no idea what it is. What is the technical term for: Cool guys that are just jammin on their guitars round the camp fire? Or what is the technical term for: Old school funky songs that have been given a bit of a kick start to get my booty shaken, yet stirred?
I know. Where do you even start looking for substance that you know you will like but have no idea what its called, who sings it, or what genre it is in.


Good news: I have a solution. It is called Soundflavour.Image hosted by Photobucket.com
What happens is this: Everybody makes a playlist. Everybody rates that playlist. You browse through those playlists until you see something you recognise. And by the law that states: If I like one of the songs in this playlist, then by definition I will probably like most of the songs in this playlist, you can find some new music that is most probally right up you alley. They also have allot of other stuff you can do that is music related but right now I am just concerned what I need. That being the new soundtrack to my life.
cause : I'm Jammin, Jammin, Jammin, I'm Jammin, - thanks Bob, so am I

One for Ben to chew on!!!

Well after that name and shame session Ben has just had i thought i had better get my self off the list ASAP! So thought i'd write about our weekend. We all met up in Birmingham for the annual Ro Ess birthday bash that we have been manageing to co ordinate since the tender age of 16 well almost all the years! We had a fantastic weekend, did a bit of retail therapy although after our sessions at the shops on saturday i felt as though i needed physiotherapy as i was exhausetd, but none the less we persevered for our night out.


Nic and her flat mate Sabs showed us the bright light of birmingham and we went to this club called Ipanema they played pretty funky music and after a couple of vodka red bulls we we're all in the mood to shake some... as you do. The funnest thing besides the guy dancing infront of us as though he had red ants in his pants was when innocent Ess was picked up and swung 180' upside down by some funny guy she had just met on the dance floor... the rest of us were in pieces. The rest of the weekend was spend eating chatting and eating some more. Now back at work on my little rock in the middle of the englisdh channel... hope you are all well and manage to avoid expulsion! PS. Frank love to crest!

You have to be in it to win it

Morning folks
Where's everybody been? There has been rumours that Sera went to movies on a Friday and Kerry went clubbing in Long street. Has the world gone friggin mad. Its almost like a fence made out of Bras.
Now I have been threatening Ro with possible expultion due lack of reporting from her Geurnsey Corner. Then as most people do when they are in a tight squeeze, they start pointing fingers, to who? to you.. K-mac( 4 posts), Lindors(3 posts), Spoonk(1 post), Moira ( 1 post). Wha'ts up people? Where's the love? Dont you care?
So I have decided to grant you a window of oppurtunity. 1 WEEK starting NOW. If by the 9th of August 2005 you have yet to make a post- aaahhhh - expultion. Its true. Ask anybody?

If you failed to get this message in time, then the point is doubly made, Sorry folks, if that depresses you then you'll love this:Using math to deduce that you will never have a girlfriend

Monday, August 1

Unfortunately-named gadget: "Hand Shredder"



The "Hand Shredder" is either an unfortunate Engrish incident or a clever little mauling device.

"The only problem is once you've shredded one hand, you can't shred the other one! They need to come out with an automatic hand-shredder."

Penguins- who would have thought


Here is a pretty cool story. This 24 year old French guy answered a newspaper add that read: "looking for fearless biologist, ready to spend fourteen months at the end of the world". Basically, he had to follow some penguins around until they mate.

Well 4 years later he has made one of 2005's suprise hit movies, allready in the US top 10, grossing over 16million dollars in its first 3 weeks.. It had such a following when it came out that they revamped the whole thing and put in Morgan Freeman to narrate it. Cant wait for it to come to SA, so you fellas in the rest of the world, go give it a watch. The official site