The Intergalactic Daily Message (D.M. - Die Emmers, get it, its frigging brilliant) Hosted by the Holiday House constituents in Cape Town. Spreading the good news to YOU, whilst creating the illusion that you never left home and we still love you.

Monday, July 31

Die revolutionary tuesday movies

Hey guys
I don't want to be the one telling the folks in Cape Town what is new and hot...
but this just seemed to fallen into my lap. Seems like a great solution offer for those cold Cape Town evenings...... Ess i know you will LOVE IT!
There are too many benefits to even list.....
Go check out www.pushplay.co.za

Die Mr. J learning curve

Any drinker with any experience under his belt knows the first rule of passsing out:

1.)Do not fall asleep within visual range or physical reach of your fellow drinkers.

Inability to adhere to this rule leaves his fellow drinkers with no choice:

Kudo's to whoever put the cork in his ear, that was a classy touch

Friday, July 28

die SysAdminDay

For the ones who let your mail through...

Die Birthday Smurfday

We have another Birthday Emmer on our hands today. Now its no secret that this one is my favourite DMer's (bar family, but lets not go there). She is a bit of a mystery in her own right; by day she is a mild mannered, sweet young glamour girl of the city, but then when you least expect it, without warning -the moon shifts into the right position -the winds do a U-turn -the birds quiver in their nests, why? Because they all know its time for her alter ego. The dancing queen of destruction, the malicoiusly beautifull, the lady that will party you to you knees ( see attached photo montage), the breathtaking, ESMARELDA

She recently returned from a whirl wind tour around the world and is now happily back in our beloved Cape Town and I believe that Cape Town is the lucky one.
May your day be riddled with nothing but wonder.
Happy happy happy Birthday

PS: Pete the Sheet ( above) has recovered and is living a happy life since he was danced to the ground.

Thursday, July 27

Die POTW 4

I know everyone looks forward this new weekly instalment as much as I do. But this week your Pussy Of the week comes in the form of a riddle.
  • Which one of these is a real boy?














  • This mystery Pussy's boyfriend likes to promote him:
"There is nothing like switching over from the 5FM morning TWIT to the smoooooooth voice of KFM's Nic Marais (94,5fm - All the hits and memories). Try it, you won't suffer from road rage and you'll arrive at work in a particularly good mood."
or
"
As Nic Marais spun another timeless classic on KFM, we gazed at her walking over the road."

That last little bit kinda ruined it, but can you geuss POTW 4 .

Wednesday, July 26

Die things you need

Is too much cash weighing you down? Do you sometimes feel that your life could stand with a lot more pizazz?
Well, do I have the answer for you- just check out these cool ass things that you never knew you absolutely cannot live without:

  1. The Beer Machine, make your own beer, enough said.
  2. The Corn on the Cob popcorn. You put the cob (mielie) in the microwave and it pops right off. Bugger the mess, this is so cool.
  3. Cool shooters, shot glasses made from ice, now we are talking.
  4. The Candy Bra, "the perfect accessory to our candy g-string, the bra fits all sizes. It's made of around 330 fruit-flavoured candy pieces, and at just 60 calories,"
  5. The Remote control super cruizer, fun little RC for the water while you are waiting for summer to come.
  6. And then lastly something for the ladies: Spa lights. The spa lights give a soft golden glow to the bathroom without the worry that you may set fire to your loofah, that you have when using candles.
Pls note that I did not mention the instant braai, its just too a controvertial point at this time.

Tuesday, July 25

Die Movie Tuesday 2

Back at School boarding house every Tuesday night was movie night. Due to the fact that I was the entertainment counsilor, it was my duty to pick the movie for the odd 150 guys. Needless to say there was always some punks that where never satisfied. Well bugger them.
Now I am making Tuesday at DMers the official movie clip day, something to look forward too (much like myself, Boon at the Pope back in the day), Only difference is you cannot kick some 12 year old guy of your seat anymore.

First up: the incredible bottled music- wow!:



then I would like to follow that up with the super kungfoo add of Mountain Dew.

Monday, July 24

Die Bragging Blog

This was supposed to start with me rubbing our fine weather in your faces and then progressing to mention in passing that I had finally acquired my 8 Meg broadband connection and would writing this to you faster than Zola Bud on coke.

But instead I’m here to bitch about the clear lack of logical thought that Orange (my service provider) seems intent on following while setting up a broadband account.

You need a BT landline before they’ll accept you as a customer. (Not that hard to grasp but still I asked what if I didn’t have a landline? The worst that’d happen is I’d not use the fucking internet and surely they’d be profiting!)

So you phone BT and they say they’ll get around to it in 10 working days.

Phone orange, still can’t get BB, despite them being able to see my line is awaiting activation! See argument 1 above!

Phone line is ready, Orange will now apply for a connection which may take…wait for it…10 working days. Very well so I kindly ask that they might send me my wireless router in the meantime.
No, came the reply not until the line has been commissioned! Why I asked (more as a rhetorical question than anything else)? Because I can’t use my line anyway until its commissioned. O’ so then you’ll send it to me express delivery over night as soon as it is…..

No! And some of the brighter lot among you may have already guessed this but it’ll take 10 working days for that delivery! 10 working days!!

For a delivery! Seriously what in this day and age still takes 10 days to arrive (Well in England people, I realise back home if it arrives at all it’s a blessing!)

Anyway the camping weekend well…

nuff said! (Although in fairness I am just being a grumpy old man here as the weather did in fact clear about half an hour after the braai was done and stayed sunny for the rest of the weekend! And I got to ride a bumper car!)

Then caught red eye back to London this morning….


Came home to find the lock had broken on our front door lugged bags and all through the window! And presently waiting for a locksmith to arrive…no doubt it should take approximately 10 working days.


Mondays! Thank fuck there’s only one a week!

Die Family Guy

I watched the Family Guy's Stewie Griffin The Untold Story again while nursing my hangover yesterday. All I can say is that I wish they showed us more of this kinda stuff on South African TV. Absolutely brilliant!

Die head scratch

If you feelling that your immediate surroundings are getting a bit too easy to comprehend, then this is your lucky day. Time to strech that imagination, all the way to the 10th dimention . Flash demonstration about the book called "Imagining the Tenth Dimention" with the same title by Rob Bryanton.
Carefull, your head might explode. (via)

Friday, July 21

Die POTW 3

A late Pussy of the week is by no means one to be ignored. This week's Pussy is massive. She came uninvited, ruined almost all our weekend plans and forced us to drink way more than we initially planned. She is down right bee-aitch and the wost part is everybody warned me she is comming, but I was hopefull that they where wrong. She is the weekend cold front...


No walks up the mountain, no little wine tours, no braais.... I hate you week 30 cold front.

Die Happy Birthday!


Rosy posy pudding and pie

My adorable sister, poked me in the eye

Pulled my hair and punched my arm

You’d swear we had grown up on a farm!

Through years of turmoil and war like pain

Being beaten by girl was driving me insane

But now we’ve grown…some even quite old

And we laugh when these stories are told

From infamous foe to partner in crime

Growing up with you was a most interesting time

I miss you now that you living out on a rock

And wish I could be there to ensure your birthday um…rock(s)

So now that my rhyming has come to an end

I wish you happy birthday darling sister from all of your friends.

Die Phone that doesn't work if you're drunk

LG Electronics' LP4100 mobile phone, which is already on sale in South Korea, stops its owners making embarrassing calls by blocking selected numbers if they are over the limit.

The phone, which is to go on sale in Britain soon, is fitted with a breathalyser. The user blows into a small hole on the side of the phone, and if her or she has exceeded the drink driving limit, the phone gives a warning and displays an animation of a car swerving and crashing into traffic cones. The user can also block pre-select numbers from the address book if the breathalyser is positive: popular choices to be blocked include ex-girlfriends or boyfriends, and bosses.

More than 200,000 of the phones have already been sold in South Korea. The LP4100 is fitted with other features, such as a camera and an organic light-emitting diode (OLED) screen, as well as the breathalyser.

Tuesday, July 18

Die Rip-hoff

Local Belfast David Hasselhoff Lookalike For Local Promotions Read text
below first. . .this is a real email sent to an agency!!!!!
This guy sent this as a serious email to a PR company in Belfast!!


Dear "Stakeholdergroup",

After having my eyes lasered a month ago I've been mobbed by people in
Belfast asking to have their photographs taken with me because I look like
David Hasselhoff and I reckon that I could use this unusual talent for PR
events.

I live in East Belfast, so its pretty easy for me to turn up to local
events.

My telephone number is 07866 411 144.

I have a degree in Business Studies too that specialised in Marketing, so I
might be able to help you in other ways.

Please tell me your thoughts.

Many thanks,

Magnus Ramsay












Die Tuesday Movie

Since its Movie Tuesday, I will treat you to another beaut...

Die le'monkey

Check this nice piece of French animation. Then if you can understand the following:
"Film réalisé comme court métrage d’ouverture pour le Festival International du Film d’Animation (FIFA) d’Annecy 2006." Something about a award at Fifa...... international festival, something, just check it, its pretty cool.

Monday, July 17

Die Spidey Chest


This is the new teaser poster for Spidey 3. Looks like he is wearing a reinforced metal grid around his costume this time. Might just be for effect though.
Now here is what you really should be looking for -Note the dark side creeping in on the left (blueish grey), thats the Evil Spidey taking over. You can also see the evil in the curved spider claws in the logo at the top left. Now its important to remember that true evil always goes for your logo first and then your costume and then when it's finshed with your overall "look" then it goes for things of secondary importance (like your soul). Its important for villany to look stylish.

by the by: is this still the suit that Peter parker supposedly made himself with his Grandmother's sowing machine? This boy has talents! Or does the Spidey sense make you slightly gay too?

Thursday, July 13

Die Friday barrel scraping


I know we said we would try not to post email jokes... But what the hay, its Friday and I think people are happy to swallow whatever we can muster.

Die Team Superman

There is a grown man flying around with his underpants worn over his baby blue cat suit with some red leather boots to finish off his ensamble. You guessed it, its the mack daddy superhero - Superman. What always amased me was how nobody actually questioned his weirdness. A guy in pajamas fighting crime. The guy is such a strong concept that Hollywood can actually get away with throwing anything our way and we can bend our imaginations to the point where we believe that this way is the only plausible way.

Lets follow the Superman through time..
Here we have 50s Superman, he looks like your grandaddy on shore leave. Just look at the size of those undies, but he seems very pleased with himself indeed.

Here we have Christopher Reeve as the late 70s Superman. Actually brilliant casting. He's got the build, the look, just a pity that technology has not advanced enough to give him a cooler logo.

Then we had that crappy TV show called Louis and Clark. A romantic comedy about the strain on the relationship of having a supehero boyfriend. Please shoot me now. Women are never pleased, even when they are shagging the best the universe have to offer.

I do not know who this guy is, but he creeps me out.

Now we have this Calvin Klein model. Poor guy has to walk around in lumber jack shirts for the entire series. Mabey they will give him the suit on the final show. I don't know, i actually have not watched more than 20 minutes of Smallville. Realistically, how many weirdo's does this town have?

And that brings us to the lastest, Brandon Routh. Is it just me or is he a little bit skinny. That and he looks younger than the Smallville guy (who is still supposed to be in school). But I think he filled his red skinny's quite nicely in the end. Just look at that stare, now thats acting. One qeustion though, where does he keep his wallet?


Wednesday, July 12

Die Itchy Keyboard Finger

OK, so its winter, its cold, its miserable. All you want is some comfort, hugs, fireplaces, scarves and comfort food - meaning warm soups, stews, some oranges for health ect. Its that kind of season, so now have you ever wondered why Woolworths is promoting so much Ginger beer...
There is nothing wrong with ginger beer, but its more of a summer thing, nice cool refreshing yadda yadda. But they are building massive displays in stores around the country push the Ginger beer as hard as possible. At R26.95, real beer is cheaper.Why could this possible be?

I will tell you. Its the simple case of a itchy keyboard finger ( and this is true, i heard it from a reliable source this afternoon). Some bloke at Woolworths head office had to place a order for something like 100 000 sixpacks. Well due to a little typo he accidently ordered 1000 000, exactly one "0" too many. Now they are stuck with 10 times to many bottles of ginger beer on the wall and they expect the consumer just to buy it up. "we will build little towers and people will feel compelled to add it too their trolleys" .. I don't think so.

Die Headbutt Animation Festival

Its getting old fast, so i am just slipping this in (cause its actually friggin good).

Click here and then click play

Die Life Changing Experience


Today may very well be the most significant day of my life...

Ive just finished designing an egg packing machine, and 2 pallets of egss arrived this morning for testing. So Im sitting in my office thinking how great it would be if there was a way I could make myself an egg breakfast. So I dumped 2 eggs in a coffee cup and zapped in the micowave them to see what would happen.

YOU CAN MAKE SCRAMBLED EGGS IN A MICROWAVE.


I couldnt believe it. Perfect fluffy scrambled eggs in 45 seconds flat. My toast wasnt even halfway done. (Granted it looks a bit funny until youve mashed it around, but still, not pots to clean, and you can have it at work.)

Microwave Eggs on Rhye:

Great for Kara, great for Ess, Great for the world.

If you knew this already then:

1. Please keep it to yourself, I dont need anyone spoiling my moment. This is right up there with the time I discovered you could use a ring pull from the old coke can instead of a coin in a pool table.

2. Why the f*ck did no one tell me this years ago?

Tuesday, July 11

Die Clever advertising




Die Adidas Golden Ball Award

Following careful, slow-motion replays of the "incident" Judges where unanimous in their decision to award the Adidas Golden Ball Award to Zinedine Zidane , much to the surprise of the general football public. Below is a screenshot from the reviewed footage which swayed their verdict in Mr Zidane’s favour!




To be honest, I don’t blame them, I would also have been fearing for my life.

Monday, July 10

Die worst rental company in the world



This ones specially for you Ess.

Die Mortal Kombat

Die French Mountain Goat

Just in case you where allready sleeping

" You call me a Moffie, hey"

Die PC versions of abusing the P.O.T.W

womanipulation and Muffin buffin

Here is the full list

Die P O T W 2

Yes, its only Monday and I am already throwing out a Pussy of the week. What happened was I released the information that the POTW is open to all contributors, so if you want to get it in you need to get up early (last thing we need is for Mr. J bad mouthing Zindane for the best damn chest-butt ever)
So here it is; the pussy of the week goes to whoever designed and signed off this piece of crap World Cup 2010 logo shit:
I don't how this came to be, but I know somewhere there was a room full of people going :"Whoo hoo, best logo ever (punch into the air). Can you feel it?!! Can you feel it?!!can you?"
My friggin maid can do better, look at that font- this is not a educational newspaper supplement. And that bushman (or whatever he is) was he hit by a truck? Is that his shin protruding through his knee, poor guy. And why, oh why did they have to chuck in the shape of Africa, I know, we could see it comming a mile away, its almost a given, but its right there in the name South AFRICA 2010, I think that folks can figure it out.
Blah, and now its going to be everywhere, all the time, in you face like a disease for the next 4 years. Nice, thank you guys, i am really looking forward to the future.

Friday, July 7

Die New Rules

I had no ideas what the old ones where, but if you do not want to look like a idiot on Sunday read on:
New rules for World Cup final

Berlin - The World Cup final between Italy and France in Berlin's Olympic stadium on Sunday will follow a different format than four years as in Japan and South Korea with the removal of the golden goal rule.

The match will last a regulation 90 minutes, comprising two periods of 45 minutes, with an interval of 15 minutes in between.

If the sides are still level after 90 minutes, two 15-minute periods of extra time will then be played and if the teams still can't be separated the match will go to a penalty shoot-out.

Under the rules for penalty shoot-outs, five players from each team will take a spot kick alternately, the winner being the team that scores more.

If the sides are still level after five kicks, then the shoot-out goes into sudden death until a penalty is unmatched by the other team.


Die

A little bit of Friday relief, cause DAMN, this week was a doozie. It was slapping me sideways, like I owed him money or something. "where's my money labowki (slap slap)?"

First up- a beauty - How Scarface got his groove back -


Second up - a shocker - the Paris hilton music video-

Damn I hate this bitch, deep down i always hoped that she would lose a leg someday, or that she gets really fat, or goes bankrupt and becomes a bergie

Why is she singing anyway? Has she got a fashion label yet? Personally I cannot wait for my Paris Hilton power drill. Overexposure!
I think I need some quality country living time just to get away from crap like this.

Thursday, July 6

Die P O T W

It seems that the trend out there is to showcase female body parts (or the whole thing) at least once weekly
Well down here at DMer HQ we are not ones for being behind the times, so without further ado I bring you the very first:
Pussy of the weekIf anyone want's to contribute their personall pictures to this soon to be weekly section, feel free to go ahead.

Die Familiar Feeling?

Wednesday, July 5

Die Competition

Everyone knows SATopsite . (they log the most popular South African websites). Well, there we where just chilling very happily under the category of Health and Beauty (because we are all beautifull and strive to be healthy (actually that samoesa for breakfast did not help)). We where ruling the H&B, cleaning up all competition. Anyhoozy jacuzzi, we've been bumped. We are now with all the other riff raff in the general boring "blogs" section. Is DMers a blog? I always thought more of it as a lifestyle. You know - "unDMerfriggingcredible" or "DMaculate".


Oh well, seems we are only 8th this time round. Kinda sucks. But 8 out of 88 is not that kak. top 9%. cream of the crop. Thanks for the support. And that is all i really wanted to say...

Die last minute cash-in

Its fun, its cute, it's catchy, you will be snapping your fingers with your one hand while reaching for a gun to plug yourself with the other. And its brand spanking new .

What am I talking about...... I cannot bring myself to say it out loud.....Just click here

Tuesday, July 4

Die Island test


"I've discovered a handy test for figuring out what you're addicted to. Imagine you were going to spend the weekend at a friend's house on a little island off the coast of Maine. There are no shops on the island and you won't be able to leave while you're there. Also, you've never been to this house before, so you can't assume it will have more than any house might.

What, besides clothes and toiletries, do you make a point of packing? That's what you're addicted to. For example, if you find yourself packing a bottle of vodka (just in case), you may want to stop and think about that....."
Read further

Monday, July 3

Die Heritage Face Recognition

Here is what you do, Go here, upload your picture. They then search a database of about 3200 celebrities (The celebrity collection includes not just the typical movie stars but all famous men and women who helped shape the 19th, 20th and beginning of 21st century in the areas of art, music, science, literature, sports, space, politics and more.) and find which ones most resemble you.
So I uploaded a lovely pic of the Pope. Seems like he is 58% Sam Neil, 53% Audrey Tautou and 52% Donald Sutherland. Brilliant!! I found this over at Ursi's

Die justice


Ha ha ha, You should have kept the kidney dude. I would just like to thank England for making every Portoguese person in the world extactic and thereby lowering the prices of Prego rolls everywhere...
And mr. J, where's my money bitch?

Liberte toujours, Viva le France