The Intergalactic Daily Message (D.M. - Die Emmers, get it, its frigging brilliant) Hosted by the Holiday House constituents in Cape Town. Spreading the good news to YOU, whilst creating the illusion that you never left home and we still love you.

Friday, March 31

Whatever Chuck

Hey All

I know, i know its been a while. Even though i have been a bit slow on the posts i have however been avidly reading what is happening in the lives of Die Emmers.

Life on the island has been rather chilled while we patiently wait for the weather to improve. In the meantime i signed up for a serious, wipe that smile straight off your face - Kickboxing class. To quote the woman who take it( a fiery blonde with a temperament of a vicious doberman who has not been fed in a week)"this class isn't for p*ssies" so i was scared before i even started. I battled my way through the first class and did not stop for fear my life incase viciousdemonicdobermanwoman spotted me inbetween here yells of "punch like YOU MEAN IT." Anyhow i survived to tell the tale and other than stiff limbs and a nervous twitch i escaped fairly unscathed.

Have a great weekend.

F1 Betting

Its F1 weekend, its Melborne, Australia F1 weekend. And too all of you Renault supporters, who are you trying to kid? Where was your true never-say-die support when they where playing fourth fiddle about 3-4 years ago? I know where it was, it was supporting Ferrari, you turn coat bastards.
So this is just me informing everyone that do not try to compare yourself with a McLaren supporter. They are out of your league, they stick to their team. They where there in the bad times and they will be laughing their asses off in the good times when all the Renault supporters suddenly turn into age old Mclaren fans.

Anyjacuzzi, what i really want to say is go check out the F1 betting at the Ham. Its free, its fun, its got a points log, so you can see how well you are doing, its the future. And you have until today.

Thursday, March 30

Science Guy

Hey Peeps,

Sorry about the lack of posts but been a bit busy trying to settle into my new life here in London....which as some of you may know is a tad bigger than Worcester. So I promise a proper post will follow soon...

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.

Nice tits

In a attempt to up the level of humour on DMers, I've decided to post this here picture of some really......

Fantastic aircon ad


Now this is how you sell something

When you least expect it

A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL FINALLY HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO A PARTY ALONE, SINCE SHE WAS GOOD LOOKING, SHE WAS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT TO DO IF BOYS HIT ON HER, SO HER MOM SAID, IT'S VERY EASY, WHENEVER A BOY STARTS HITTING ON YOU, YOU ASK HIM "WHAT WILL BE THE NAME OF OUR BABY?" THAT WILL SCARE THEM OFF, SO SHE WENT.

AFTER A LITTLE WHILE AT THE PARTY A BOY STARTED DANCING WITH HER, AND LITTLE BY LITTLE, KISSING HER AND TOUCHING HER. SHE ASKED HIM, "WHAT WILL OUR BABY BE CALLED?" THE BOY FOUND SOME EXCUSE AND DISAPPEARED. SOME TIME LATER THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN, A BOY STARTED TO KISS HER NECK, HER SHOULDERS........ SHE STOPPED HIM AND ASKED HIM, ""WHAT WILL BE THE NAME OF OUR BABY?" HE RAN OFF. LATER ON, ANOTHER BOY INVITED HER FOR A WALK, AFTER A FEW MINUTES HE STARTED KISSING HER AND SHE ASKED HIM, "WHAT WILL OUR BABY BE CALLED?" HE CONTINUED, NOW SLOWLY TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF. "WHAT WILL OUR BABY BE CALLED?" SHE ASKED ONCE MORE. HE BEGAN TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. "WHAT WILL OUR BABY BE CALLED?" SHE ASKED AGAIN. AFTER HE WAS DONE, HE PEELED OFF HIS CONDOM, TIED IT IN A KNOT AND SAID.... "IF HE GETS OUT OF THIS ONE.........He will be called Chuck Norris

Wednesday, March 29

So here i am...

in a city that is basically one big 24hr construction site in the desert, with more cranes per square kilometer than any other place in the world, all of them beautifully lit up at night. Swimming in the Arabian Gulf in the Shadow of the Burj Al Arab, you can see Iran just a few km's away across the water. Pop into one of the numerous malls for a quick shopping session and walk out that evening having spent the whole day Snowboarding in one the world's biggest indoor Ski slope's offering the only indoor Black run! Have your life flash before your eyes countless times every day as you try and make your way to your destination, with 1000 Schummie's all trying their best to break all the rules of the road at the same time, and almost always succeeding! Go out at night where guys out number girls at least 3 to 1 only to find a 20 filipino girls in mini skirts singing back up vocals on stage to overs of any clasic 70's and 80's song's with 50 more cheering them on from the audience. Go up to hotel swimming pool and enjoy an all you can eat seafood (and i mean any seafood) buffet for R160. And of coarse BK who i have missed everyday since leaving europe, The whopper is as fine as ever! Then sit and enjoy an illegal beer while watching the sun set over the desert after a 'cold day' having only reached 31 degrees C - making sure there is always something for every one of the 1.1 million people of with 80% are ex-pats, what a place!




Mystery reader

I was just going through our stats and I came across a certain mystery DMer reader that seems to visit us quite often. I am intrigued, I want to know more about this person, does not fit our normal demographic. Here are some details:
This mystery person lives in Gastonia, North Carolina. (if you dont know where that is look at the map provided. He/she works at the Gaston Memorial Hospital (or they could be a patient there). they use a windows 2000 operating system (which makes me believe that it is quite a old computer)Now this is all i've got.


If this person sounds like you please drop us a line, like i said I am intrigued why a person from North Carolina would spend close to 5 hours 42minutes over 18 visits on one day on this site. Now if we had porn I would understand, but we dont. We want to know all about you, what are your dreams, your hopes. Are you a neuro surgeon or are you a hillbilly that fell of your truck. PLEEEASE put us out of our misery.

Time waster


ARE YOU?
Personally, i need to work on my pimpness, i only got a 5
I got a 7 nigga bi-aitches. My pimp hand is way strong. Mr J-izzle.

Tuesday, March 28

Allot of v's

Me and Mr. J went and checked V for Vendetta last night. Hectic. So in one of the opening scenes, the main character, V, intoduces himself:

V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

Mr J: " He must have read allot of books to come up with all those V's."

bonjor mes amis...


Bonjour!

I returned on Friday from a wonderful 3 days in the French capital. Unfortunately, "I am not quite the billy goat I once thought I was" (To quote the Jeepmaster), as I hurt my back from my heavy backpack, and I have flu now, BUT it was all worth it.

I managed to cram a huge number of galleries, Salon du The's, Baguettes, and walking into my short time in Paris, and felt so glad to be free to do some travelling again.

Alas, my trip to Italy (supposed to start tomorrow) has been pushed back to when I am a bit better.

Sascha joined me for a day and night, which was great. He owes me 30 Euros, which he has promised to pay me back in burgers - 5 to be exact. Remind me to clock these bad boys up when i get back to the mother city. These will be veggie burgers, as I, unlike certain veldie sisters, am still a veggie, and fear I will be until my dying day.... sorry, Tony de Beer.

I know this is only my second posting (actually forgot how to post, and had to go to help.... ) but dont worry, will hopefully be sending lots your way in the coming weeks.

love,
essmeralda

Monday, March 27

adobe

Via

Wingman

Maxim’s Wingman Training Manual

Sure, you’d help a pal crack a beer, but would you help him crack heads? Our guide to being all the friend you can be.

DUTY #1: WIPE HIS BEER GOGGLES
If he takes her home, he’s gonna blame you—so make like Jiminy Cricket.
Situation: Is he rip-roaring drunk? Sad-clown morose? On the lam after years on a men-only prison barge? Who knows? The dangerous thing is that his judgment of the fair sex is way, way off. It’s bad enough the girl he’s scamming sports circus-tent underwear, but all his pro boner work for the Pigs Need a Pork Foundation is killing any shot he has at primate sex…bringing you right down the evolutionary ladder with him.
Your mission: Saving your pal from sliding into skank is one of a wingman’s primary functions, so you must advise in the strongest possible terms against unsavory engagements. If he brushes aside your vigorous objection in front of at least one witness, you are officially relieved of your wingman responsibilities. But if it’s an encounter you’re 100 percent certain your pal will later regret, frag him with a smart bomb: “Hey, Bob. Tell her about your white blood cell count.”
DUTY #2: BACK UP HIS LIES
Misinformation is powerful social ammunition…Bombs away!
DUTY #3: FALL ON A GRENADE
War ain’t pretty, and neither is “the friend”? This is your mission.
DUTY #4: BACK HIM UP IN A BRAWL
All’s fair in love and bar fighting—so where the hell were you?
DUTY #5: KEEP HIM CORRUPT
Love is wonderful…but not when it interferes with decadence duty.
DUTY #6: GET HIM HOME ALIVE
It’s all fun and games until your buddy wakes up in the clink.

read the whole thing here

Friday, March 24

trouble in paradise


Just to settle a late night bong argument with Mr. J:

There are not the same amount of every colour of skittles in the same pack. Thereby i deduce that they do not use a electronic photo sensor when packing skittles. Now i know you design the skittle machines, so either you must have less late night bong arguments or check your plans a little closer.

Jammin- 1
Mr. j - 0

Kojack attack

Its time to honour one of our most relentless fans, by going who hoo, its your birthday. Here is to your never-say-die efforts to make K-Mac pregnant and here's to your back breaking job of looking at supermodels all day long and here to you leading the field in no hair technology.
Image hosting by Photobucket
Big number 32, whoo hoo

Thursday, March 23

Catalonia is definately a nation

Image hosting by Photobucket

Thank you Brett for sending this special picture. It kind of reminds me how of how special you are too sometimes. Well viva Catalonia

Wednesday, March 22

Yes Please!

Thank's Vandal

Another Veggie Conversion

I am very happy to anounce that this here avid DMer reader has eaten her very first chicken wing (of the bone). This might not sound amazing to you but its damn well incredible considering that she was a fully fledged vegetarian that frowned upon any and all meat as if it was a steamy pile of swearwords. Well done Stephy, hold that headless chicken high. Now we still have a couple of vegetarian DMers left. ( I will not mention names) See, its not so bad. You guys should try it too. If I can quote steph: "I cannot wait to go home and eat more chicken, I love it". Us meat eaters must be onto something, if we are going to be going on and on about it.

Monday, March 20

Viva the internet

Attu reported this:

UK TV viewers will not get to see an episode of South Park which shows Nicole Kidman and fellow Scientologist John Travolta attempting to coax a fictional Tom Cruise character out of a closet, with Kidman saying: "Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet. You're not fooling anyone."

Naturally, the robustly heterosexual Top Gun star took exception to this when Trapped in the Closet aired in the US. The episode also showed Stan - believed by the Cruise character to be the reincarnation of Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard - having a pop at Cruise's acting abilities, and Cruise reportedly waved the legal big stick at Paramount and threatened to sue if the offending programme was ever shown again.

ha ha, here it is:

A little fruit industry Humour


ha ha, story of my life

Happy Spoonk day

Today we are celebrating the birthday of one of our classiest Dmers. We do not hear allot from her here on Die Emmers, but that is just to remind us that we should count ourselves lucky that we know her at all.
This lovely lady is very busy running her own fashion empire up in Joburg. (this is not a plug, but if you have not walked into her Shop, COAT, then you are doing yourself a mischief), and being a celebrity is not easy work.

All of us here at DMers would like to wish you a Very Happy 2?th birthday. May you never lose a button hole, May you never forget that Cape town in your real home, may you never lose that smile, even for a little while. May good times fall on you like confetti of a bride and may you give up your vegetarian ways once and for all.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
Douglas Adams
Have a fantastic day!!

Friday, March 17

St. Patrick's day


OK, so I heard we won nothing, its cool, I don't mind. Kudo's to all those who did. You guys deserve it, no really, you do.

In other news its St. Patrics day and the only qeustion in my mind is where, oh where, are we going to drink tonight?

All I can really find is:
Rumour has it that they are rocking, see, it even says so right there in the name.

Kids books that never made it








Thanks Kerry

Thursday, March 16

Hehe

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The
ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however,
he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel? "He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"

In the eyes of the ranger part 99

Contrary to popular belief, the phone book isnt a directory; it is actually a list of people Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked today... and how many times.

Chuck Norris doesnt get an erection; an erection gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes to a stip club, the girls tip him.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a lighter to light a cigarette, he just stares at it till it starts to burn.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower the dirt just jumps off from fear.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

thats how we did it, of course, i mean obviously !


Wednesday, March 15

"GEANNEKSEER" to say the least


Earlier this week I read on this distinguished site and i quote

"The Jammin proved himself once again to be a natural athlete and carved the swiss mountains as if they where a sunday roast"

I would just like to set the record straight as to who did all the Carving on that mountian.

A hint its not the man lying with his booty in the snow...oh no it's the two highly talented individuals who pulled the "Anneksasie"

Make it stop already...

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most ----- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

Frippit shines again


My Verrbier Photo's are finally up, you can find them here or you can see the long elated version here.

Tuesday, March 14

put joy into beaking the seal

some funny urinals


more

Desktop earth

For those of you suffereing from god complex, have i got good news for you. Now ypu can make your desktop your portal to the world. Your world. the one you are ruling.]

Desktop Earth is a wallpaper generator for Windows. It runs whenever you're logged on and updates your wallpaper with an accurate representation of the Earth as it would be seen from space at that precise moment.


If you are interested check it here
Via attu

almost didnt see you there

This is a picture of my brother in law at our recent bosberaad close to Tabazimbi. I had no idea how hunting has progressed. Guns, things of the past. Safari hat, long gone. Knee socks, up your bum. Now its all hunting bows, camo gear and walk and stalk. Where are the good old days of hunting at night with massive headlights and popping a Gemsbok through your telescope.

Monday, March 13

Im too lazy to write something: Here's a picture instead.

DMer update

Howdy folks, i'm back behind this grueling mountain of work that has patiently been awaiting my return. But wow so much has happened in my absense:
  • Sera left sweet slaapstad for ice cold Europe
  • Jace has had her 2? birthday, Big up soul sister
  • Negotiations has been entered for a new Dmer (all very hush hush at this stage)
  • A new look is on its way
  • Posting has sunk to a new level of Low (except boon, well done bugger)
  • Esmarelda has quit her job and is going to go some extensive Dmer reporting in India
  • Kmac is work hard on producing a mini-Kmac
  • Mr. J got his first Mother-Daughter combo on the weekend
  • The Jammin proved himself once again to be a natural athlete and carve the swiss mountains as if they where a sunday roast.
Your posting holiday is over let the games begin.

Friday, March 10

Stick People




Monday, March 6

Skier down



Another unsuccessfull 10m jump. A for effort though, I reached a height of about 2m and fell flat on my chest- knocking every last piece of will to stay alive out of me. the pain, the pain.
Anyjacuzzi, full report to follow soon, I am flying down to Jozi tonight and will all you mofo's on Saterday

Friday, March 3

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she

read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.


The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!

More Tequila with Sera

Excuse me, do you know how to get to 4th street

been there...... what?

what the...

The origin of the word "Eish!!!"

Put your game face on!!!