The Intergalactic Daily Message (D.M. - Die Emmers, get it, its frigging brilliant) Hosted by the Holiday House constituents in Cape Town. Spreading the good news to YOU, whilst creating the illusion that you never left home and we still love you.

Friday, October 28

Big up all Campers

Q: what starts with a B and end with a uchu blitz?
A: the wild a illusive animal that shall be tamed this weekend.

and I have packed my Kettie.

Just a quick hoezit hoezit to say that if I never post again then it was a good weekend.
Photies and other goodies forth comming soonest

PS: our British DMer chapter are all flying to Guensey for the weekend to celebrate JP's big two six. Have a monster guys, I want full report backs, with pictures of JP's birthday score

Thru the eyes of a Smirnoff

Thursday, October 27

What was the No 1 music hit on the day you were born?

Find out what tune people were shakkin their @sses to the day you were born!

The path of least resistance

Think of a toffee apple, got it, now imagine it being driven over by a combine havester. Now image that toffee apple is my head and then you will know how I feel.
Am I getting old?
Is midweek boozing a thing of the past?
ahhhhh, enough thinking.

Here are some cool things to waste your time if you are low profiling like me today:
Come on Friday, don't leave me hanging

Wednesday, October 26

little wed pm pick-me-up

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a
family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the
phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

The fall of an Icon

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Police reported that they found Spongebob Square pants passed out in down town Jozie

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oh the shame

She's COMMING!!!!!

Got this little mail from a client about 2 days ago and I thought it it really applied to our lives aswell in some sense. I've put in brackets the changes that I would like to make:

To All D** Exporter Partners (DMer readers),

Just a quick note to tell you that D**'s main office ( DMer's main contributors) and most of South Florida (the Jam Jar) will be closed for business today ( Monday) due to the impending arrival of Hurricane Wilma (DMer Camping weekend). The wind is already howling outside my window (We all ready started buying booze) so it is only a matter of a few hours(3 days) before the big winds get here (the possy pitches their tents) and we lose power (ability to walk upright) and hopefully nothing else (our minds).

Sales will continue from our satelite offices in other states, ( it will look like they are making sense)but until this weather event is through, and the resultant damage (hangovers and unexplained injuries) is surveyed , the office will be closed. We hope to be back in business Tuesday, 25th October( Next week sometime).

Please keep all those in the hurricane target zone (the people downstream) in your thoughts.

Regards (rock on)

Tuesday, October 25

Something for the Tuesday

Monday, October 24


Petrol to get to Canal Walk Shopping Center - R50.00
Hearing Aid Battery at one end of the mall - R20.00
Adult Dipers at the opposite end of the mall - R150.00
Lunch at the Food court - R100.00

Both falling asleep on a mall bench half way back to your car - PRICELESS!! THIS is what u do with them golfsticks

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Random weekend phone pictures

Friday work bunking drinks at Spot Happening

Saterday Morning beauty sleep

Cape Town loving herself in the summertime

Bravo! Mouillie Point

Friday, October 21

Friday Foot Fun

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot WILL change direction.

Judo Chop Friday

I feel greatness comming our way this Friday, Can you smell it people, no need to get up from your desk, just take a whiff. There it is. Its called premonition baby, this Friday is gonna rock. I dare you to go out tonight to prove me wrong. I can see you standing there, sipping your martini, trying to beat the scattered ho's off with a stick and then thinking to yourself: "You know that Jammin fella was right, i am actually having fun, this party rocks, this whole evening rocks, he has got the gift, i must make a mental note to listen to him next time and wear my lucky underpants."

Now in the spirit of being right, i bring 2 new cocktails that have been invented by some of Die Emmers while trying to explain why they have lost their shoe and smell of lavender.
  • Die Blou Bull ( you gotta drink this for the ruggers this weekend anyway) Method-Take one Red Bull and two shots of Brandewyn and if you are really flamboyant you can add some Bols Blue. Result- Steek soos 'n perdeby, naai soos 'n kwagga
  • The Jammini (look good without the vermouth) Method- Take 3 shots good vodka, pour it into your matini shaker and add some ice and one shot lime. Now shake it like it was appart of you. Strain it into a martini glass and put in two Vodka soaked olives. Result- Stamp daai boude lam
Now if you need to waste some time, i recommed that you train your reflexes
"Man who can catch flies with chopsticks can accomplish anything!" - Mr. Miyagi
No go practice

Thursday, October 20

Kung Foo typing

How many words per minute do you type, take the simple test here.

I actually suck quite a bit at this, try beat 42 words per minute. Then when you are finished with that, go have a look at this. It will make you love yourself all over again.

Straight to the pool room

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If you buy (or illegally download) one CD this month, make sure its the new White Stripes; Get behind me Satan. ( is that a rather disconcerting title, or is it just me). It really rocks like the rock rocking on a rocking chair made outa rock, but dont listen to me, listen to these guys:

"Their fifth album, Get Behind Me Satan is the strangest and least focused effort by these unlikely garage rock superstars to date. It's also their finest"

"While other bands try to replicate the magic of their freshman debut, The White Stripes are busy honing their skill, creating music that has soul, feeling, and ideas"

"The album rolls along at this great pace and seems to end before the listener is ready"

A Die Emmer/Dinner Club 3 thumbs up

PS: Doesnt our new colours make you wanna redecorate your house, nice work Boon

Wednesday, October 19

The Amazing Beer-O-Matic™

Ever wondered how many beers you would have to drink to drink your own body weight. This is important information, dammit. Well, its a mystery no more.

Click here

ps: for some extra math, if you divide the number by 24, you can get cases, no really

Dis Mos Mielies

Splattermail suggested we go look at Wat kyk jy?
Absolutely brilliant, that is if you understand Afrikaans at all, which basically disqualifies half our contributers and half our readers. But help is at hand (whoo hoo). If your taal is minimal then here is a handy guide to understand what the guys on the other side of the boerewors curtain are saying to you:

Here are some goodies:
Fles vat (ook Vles vat) - Drink / suip
Nee fokkit ou maat, ons het daai fles ernstig vas gevat gisteraand.
Ricky louw - Richeleu
Kom ons koop 'n bottel ricky louw en kyk baywatch.
Bergspinasie - Dagga
Van heeldag bergspinasie rook kan daai fokker niks onthou! (ha ha )
Kafoefel - Seks
Daai bosnooitjie like van kafoefel.
Tjoepie swaai - Pis
Die bier drinkery lat 'n mens baie tjoepie swaai.
Gooi mielies - Kuier / Suip
Hey ou blaar, daai tjommas van jou ken van mielies gooi.
Kopkou - Orale seks
Daai chick kan my maar enige dag 'n kopkou gee.
Wolscooter - Vagina
Daai wolscooter sal darem lekker sjee!
Toggos - Testikels
Dis nie lekker as vreemde tannies jou aan die toggos grip en dit so 'n draai gee nie!
Dis mos mielies - Befok / Kwaai / Lekker
Jis het jy die bokke Satrag gesien, dis mos mielies!

There are more here

Tuesday, October 18

finally i can upload pics...i think...testing!!

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Why all the Arab suicides?

Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide

Let's see now:

No beers, No Bars, no radio, no TV, No Playboy or penthouse, no teasers, no rygby, no football, no golf, no dancing no music.
No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no summer mini skirts and braless beauties
No BBQ pork, no ham, no bacon, no hot-dogs, no burgers, no crayfish, no shellfish or even fish fingers. No christmas
Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door beacause he is sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
You can't shave, Your wife can't shave. You can't even shave your wife.
Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything. You wipe you backside with your left hand without toilet paper and if they catch you stealing they cut off your right hand and then you must eat with your shitty hand.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung
The woman have to where baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your camel, but your camel has a better disposition.

Then your leaders tell you that when you die , you get 27 virgins and it all gets better...

So............ nope ........... No Mystery here

Who was Jesus

There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:
He called everyone "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
He went into his Father's business
He lived at home until he was 30
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Californian:
He never cut is hair
He walked barefoot all the time
He started a new religion.

But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:
He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who jsut didn't get it
And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was work to do!!

Its all Good

You have been patient for a long time. You've worked hard and eaten your veggies. And now, finally the time has come for all to be revealed. SASI Swimwear 2005 has launched
SA Sports Illustrated is proud to present Swimwear 2005, brought to you by Nashua. This year's Swimwear issue features 13 of the world's sexiest models in the Seychelles, and goes on sale on Monday the 17th of October.

Monday, October 17

Yes, Moneypenny

Alot of you have been asking who is Daniel Craig, what does he look like, what has he played in? How can he possible be a good 007 if I have never heard of him. Well, here he is:

And here is a list of his movies (as you can see you have about a year to get used to him before Casino Royal comes out).

Random Phone Pics

Province lost- Booo!

Beautiful day at Chappies

Still Life with Jaeger Bomb

Weird clouds at Camps Bay

Friday, October 14

we've been tagged

Whooo hoo , we've been tagged by the biggest boy in Jozie: Big Ric


Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place;
add your blog’s name in the #5 spot;
link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. Dandelions & Roses
2. Never promised you a rose garden
3. ShutterJane
4. Bigric
5. Die Emmers

Next: select four new friends to add to the pollen count.
(No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

1. Rox in the city
2. Ninja Monkey
3. Splattermail
4. 2 +2 is 5
5. Aquila Online

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Celebrating a world cup victory

What were you doing 5 years ago?
Kicking Stellenbosch's ass

What were you doing one year ago?
Cementing the legend of Huis Noordelike

What were you doing yesterday?
Rocking our nuts off to Jane Says

5 snacks you enjoy
1. Long Street Boerie
2. Tequila
3. Ghost Pops
4. Chapman's peak hotel Calamari
5. Martini's

5 songs you know all the words to
5 things you would do if you had a million dollar
5 things you like doing
5 bad habits
5 things you would never wear again
5 favourite toys
1. Our Vuvuzela
2. Golf sticks
3. Frank's bar
4. Jam Jar
5. Marini shaker

Thursday, October 13

Screwing Over the Scorpions

Nice article on how they are gunning for our elite crime fighting squad- the Scorpions


Jane Says: "Raise the goblet of Rock"

No if you know what is cool then you can stop reading right here.

Buuuut if you need a little help from your friends, you need to go watch the coolest rocking band to come out of Cape Town this year. They are called Jane Says. The lead singer is a crazy monkey boy from MMauritiusand also happens to be one of the top freelance graphic designers in the country. And he can rock your panties off. They are playing at the Independant Airmchair theatre at 10 so it would be best if you go a little earlier.

Then looking at the gig guide I see the Tornado's are playing on the 15th, and you sure as hell cannot miss them either. Its a feast for the senses.

Now put away those puzzles, those playstationconsoles, those harry potters, those knitting needles and invest in some crazy midweek madness

Wednesday, October 12

Emmers VS the Mountain...The Amazing Race

Its on.Its official. And its going to be beautiful.
The Pope, The Jammin, and Mr J are racing up Lions Head.

Did I mention that the loser gets to wear a snor for a week?

Basement Jacks

Jackie, jou lekka ding, have a happy snappy 24th Birthday

From all your peeps at Die Emmers, have a Monster and may your year be filled with handsome strangers, lazy afternoons on the beach, jungle adventures, bolamakisies, rockin dance floors, champagne fountains, designer handbags and an acute allergy to Heat magazine.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)

Rock on Soul Sister

Tuesday, October 11

Come on People - Its SUMMERTIME!!!

I am dismally disappointed by the complete and utter lack of enthusiasm for that cataclismic event that only comes around once a year. Summertime with a capital S ( and a small ummertime).

Show some enthusiasm, need I remind you:
  1. Mojito's at the Radisson
  2. Sunday lunch at Chapman's peak Hotel
  3. Layering your tan at Boulder's beach
  4. Cocktails at Baraza
  5. Bolamakisies at La Med
  6. Frisbee championships at Camps bay beach
  7. Breakfast at Olympia Cafe (lunch at Cape to Cuba)
  8. Kirstenbosch Summer concerts
  9. Huis Noordelike Roof parties
  10. Braaiing every weekend
  11. Casa du Veldtie Pool parties
  12. The Homecoming of our foreign Saffers
(If I missed something please enlighten me in our comment section.)

So if you havent started being exited, nows the time. Invite some mates over, have a cocktail, orgastrate a braai, go chip some golf balls, score a foreigner, do a wine tour, do a foreigner on a wine tour while she is chipping your golf balls, you know; summer things.

Monday, October 10

Thoughts from a chemically enhanced mind.

I was feeling a tad guilty about letting Health Month slide, after a German Beer Festival with free booze and R9 Tequila’s at the Yacht Club, followed by partying like a rock star with Mike and Sera and the boys from Dirty Skirts, who by the by, rock their pants off. So I decided to do what all true Capetonians should do every now and then; climb Lions Head. (Note the clever use of the semi colon back there.Thanks Seth.)

I sat on a rocky outcrop at the very top of Lions Head with senses recently enhanced (as one does in Cape Town), and absorbed the vastness of mother nature’s splendor and the perfect azure skyline of the Atlantic Ocean. A lizard peered from a crack in the rock , blinking lazily. I closed my eyes and basked in early October sun. The tranquility of my surroundings and the distant hum of the city (not to mention the effects of the “regmaker”) washed over me and purged the effects of the 8 Jagermeisters from my once frazzled system.

And then, out of nowhere; the Crazy Frog song. I shit you not. Read it again. The crazy frog song on Lions Head. At first I thought my brain synapses were misfiring, a tequila induced shortcircuit, wrenching a horrible suppressed memory from the depths of my mind into the here and now. The lizard gave me a disdainful look and scurried of down the rock face. “Bam Baaam, This-is- the-Crazy – FROG!” went the voices in my head. I shuddered and realized the music was in fact not in my head. I turned around to see two German girls in Bikini tops and those terrible khaki shorts only German tourists and real life game rangers seem to wear, dancing (rather badly I might add) and pumping their fists in the air. “Wundervoll!”shouted Bikini 1. “Das isch Fantastich!” shouted Bikini 2. “Bam Baaam, This-is- the-Crazy – FROG!” went the portable cd player they had carried up the fricken mountain….

Ill give you a minute to let it sink in. They carried a portable cd player up the mountain. A cd player. Up the mountain. WTF? And of all the songs they could have played, They chose the Crazy Frog song. I mean, people who have that for a ringtone should be locked up or shot, nevermind owning the CD, and playing it in public, ON A SUNDAY! Now don’t get me wrong. I’d be quite a happy camper if all the girls in Cape Town walked around in Bikinis and danced to their portable cd players at every chance. Just imagine the line at the till on a Friday in Gardens Centre. Damn, Id have so much milk and bread I could start a soup kitchen. F*ck. Id have my own personal trolley.

So remember kids. There’s a time and place for everything.
But taking a portable cd player up Lion’s Head?
That’s just wrong.

Crazy Frogs: Taking over the Mountain

Post from Word

Ahhhh, to be in my Monday is like being beaten to death with a teaspoon. Not really painfull, just exasperating and annoying.
But I am here to make your posting life a little easier. Our friends at Google have been working very hard in becoming part of every facet of your computing life. Now they have provided us with the ability to post straight from Microsoft Word. Pretty damn cool. (well not for Mac users, sorry Sera). All you gotta do is go here and follow the easy steps.

The benefits are endless. If your boss is looking over your shoulder it looks like you are writing something important. You get the old spell check and synonyms functions (there is no synonym for synonym). Now there is no excuse for lack of posting.

Remember the ringtone i asked u'all to download...

well yay guys...just found out that I got the most peeps to download it!! OK so there weren't that many, but more than anyone else!! Whoo hoo so thanks to all my lil die emmers who helped me out, and to all of u who didn't...may 35050 get your number on their mailinglist....

Friday, October 7

The F word

Roll on the weekend. Friday afternoon is certainly the lowest low before the high of the weekend. You live through the week with the sole objective being to get to friday. Then you wake up on friday and think here at bloody last, so you stupidly go into work in a good mood thinking yip, conquered that mother, then Friday afternoon happens. I am sure that somewhere some bright spark has managed to scientifically prove that it is thee longest afternoon of the whole week.
So to pass the time, go check out the following!

1- Google (
2- Type in the word "Failure"
3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."
4- Giggle
5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.

Something for the ladies

"This site is not fancy or flashy. The reason I built this site was I wanted to help the millions of un-happy drivers who want to communicate with those people out there who need a lesson in PARKING ETIQUETTES"

Thats not your orange

Being your camp master it is my duty to inform you that the "Thats not your Orange" getting back to our roots River camping weekend has moved to a more desirably accomidating weekend.

Everyone get out your diaries and page to the 28th October. Now write down:" Tent pitchin, outside kitchin, bolama-bitchin, weekend.
Those with ketties - pack 'em,
Those with bakkies - stack 'em,
Those with boobies - rack 'em,
Those with sarmies - snack 'em,

Now enjoy your Vrydag

Thursday, October 6

Today's survival tip

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest Debonairs,
place an order, and when they go to deliver it catch a ride home with

And for the end of the month:

When catching a lift with the delivery guy give him the long way
directions home - delivering the pizza after 45mins you will get the
pizza and the lift for free.

Taking about poo...

HEALTH Warning






Ps. I can't back this up.

Pongo Accident report

Mister Big City Himself, Tim Pongweni, tells the the sordid tale of why he should stay off a bike:

"Basically after a grueling race. Where 6km prior to the accident I had been hit by double cramp in both legs, one leg in the quad and hamstring. I had to get off my bike and go thru that mental battle that I know we have all been thru in various competitions (that's why we do these things) After finally convincing myself that the cramps would go and that I had to finish the race I mounted my bike and began the battle up the last steady incline. Some dude yelled that there were only 2km left. When I heard this I thought hallelujah raise your game boy. As I
was getting into my stride I heard this loud hoot. I was well on the left hand side and thought that the hoot could not possibly be for me.

So I turned my head to check what was going on and as I did I heard this loud bang. As I heard the bang I felt myself launch into the air. As I launched into the air I remember saying to myself. Oh my god I have been hit by a car, oh my god look how high I am, oh my god this is the way I am going to die-this sucks! I hit the ground heavily. The impact and the flight reminded me of the days when you could be tackled in the air going for the high ball. No jokes I think I may have done a little tuckand roll, since only my left side was damaged. As I hit the ground panic struck. The double cramps hit me again and I saw this deep hole below my knee, I thought my leg was broken. I immediately flicked my toes to check whether I could feel them, then my fingers, cool everything in order. So I tried to get up and as I did sharp pain in my back. Fack my back is broken. So I lay there thinking this was it my back is broken over some fackin nowhere cycling race in the East of Jhb. This amazing lady Bridgette came and started talking me thru the pain and feeding me with water. Another woman ran across to find out if I was still alive and described how I flew in the air like a rag doll.

When Amos finally arrived I felt a bit of comfort. Well a bit of comfort, all I remember is Amos looking at me and looking as if he was about to burst into tears, and nobody likes to see a grown man crying. I don't think he could bring himself round to saying that everything would be alright! Not only is it when you are suspended 3m in the air do you realize that you should not take those close to you for granted. But also the running around that Amos, Mat and Berman did for me. It made me realize what great friends I have and how lucky I am to have formed such bonds. I don't think I will ever forget the accident, but mostly I don't think I will ever forget the kindness of the complete stranger Bridgette, and my friends".

Tips for your Tongue

Morning Emmers
Went a little wine tasteting last night at the Veritas wine awards. Only gold and double gold winners where showcased which means it was a evening on incredibly incredible wines.
Here are a couple that knocked my socks off (write these down for the next time you are on a hot date):

  • Groot Constantia Semillon/ Savignon Blanc
  • Haut Espoir Chardonnay Reserve
  • Jordan Chardonnay
  • Tokara White Sauvignon Blanc
  • Graham Beck The Joshua
  • Goedverwacht Maxim Ltd Release Cabernet Sauvignon
  • Pulpit Rock Pinotage - this is a keeper
And the real miracle is that my hangover never came a knocking. There is a lesson here, but I can't really see it.

Wednesday, October 5

More Emmer wheels in the poo...

One of our fellow Fellow Emmer's had a li'l prang on the way home from work the other day.

This used to be Damien's ride. Nice one brother.

Brandy Stains : Hard to get rid of.

Genuis strikes at 3

For the last how long my dreams have taken the shapes of movies. And the lead actor is not always me. I actually once had Meryl Streep acting as a Serial Killer in 70s South Africa. There is normally a big opening scene, plot, the works, that is why I was so freaked out when last night I woke up at about 3 and for the life of me I could not stop thinking about creating a TV show. Its mad what my brain does to me. It forced me to even start writing the opening scene, but now in retrospect I think the show could actually be a hit.
I call it Karavaan Kinders. Its a comedy about what really happenes in white trash caravan communities. You all remember that e-mail that went around with Timmi from the camp site and how he tell his story about all his family and friends. Well I smell good comedy here. Remember your favourites:

If anyone from TV is reading this give us a call, we'll do lunch. I bet it will be better than Scoop Scoembie. And it will be politally correct. What can be better that laughing at poor whites, and they will not get offended cause they will be watching Idols.

I want Colin Moss to play the main disfunctional narrator and then PJ Powers to play his mother. We can have Frank Opperman playing the Camp Pedophile and hopefully Heinz Winkler as the retard (he is so difficult to book these days). Solid TV gold here, people, just what we need to feel good about ourselves.

All over it like white on rice

"Recently there has been some debate as to who the President of the Internet is and how they came to power. The concerned parties mutually agreed that because Google is unbiased and somewhat democratic it would be used to determine the current President of the Internet. Whoever holds the top search result for “President of the Internet” will in fact be the President of the Internet. This is an ongoing election. It can, and will change from day to day."

That shit is just crazy man, who needs a prez - o- dent, when you can have a bathtub like this:
Hey JP, imagine some good quality time with your Sport illustrated in here...

Tuesday, October 4

Keep it classy Cape Town

Its a Teusday and all is better over here. Some might notice a big weekend build up comming on the friday and the when you want a report back on Monday all is dead in the valley of the buckets. Its that bloody post hangover hangover, the one that disables your personality, no matter how hard you try you aint gonna say anything funny to nobody. I call it the Bag o' Rusks syndrome, Allot of spaces and not much holding them together.

So it time to spoil yourself with a early Christmas pressy
the new Franz Ferdinand

"The last message you sent
Said I looked really down
That I oughtta come over
And talk about it
Well I wasn't down
I just wasn't smiling at you" - FF- You Could Have It So Much Better

In other news I've been irritated to no end with all this spam comments, Well now if you want to leave a comment, they will ask you to verify, Just do it, put your back into it. It will just prove that you are man and not machine.



(noun) [in'·fi·LIS·i·tee]

1. inappropriate and unpleasing manner or style (especially manner or style of expression): "Mr. J cares much more about Health Month than his midweek boozing, which often creates infelicity in his general well being."

Monday, October 3

Woman explained by an engineer !

Time Please

Watch it slip you by.

Carefull, it will waste your billable hours