The Intergalactic Daily Message (D.M. - Die Emmers, get it, its frigging brilliant) Hosted by the Holiday House constituents in Cape Town. Spreading the good news to YOU, whilst creating the illusion that you never left home and we still love you.

Friday, June 30

Die art scam

This must be the funniest this I have ever read on the internet. Please, when you have a decent gap today (about 15min free) do yourself a favour and go read the scam about the The Incredible Shrinking Artwork

I am not going to give anything more away, but you will be glad you did.

Thursday, June 29

Die lazy man post

Sorry to simply dump yet another inbox joke and disguise it as a post but I found this particularly amusing.

DADDY LONG LEGS
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled ashe reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed inhis eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature throughsuch innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to herto see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she waslooking at two Daddy Long Legs' mating."Daddy, what are those two insects doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied."What do you call the insect on top?" she asked."

That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered."So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question hereplied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, thentook her foot and stomped them flat."Well, we're not having any of that gay sh!t in our garden." she said.

Thanks Anita.

CHECK YOURS OUT...

This is scary!


This is going too far! You may want to remove your licence details
from the database.

Licence And Privacy Act

Check your driver's license information on-line. Now you can see
anyone's drivers license on the internet, including your own!

It asks for U.S. info, but unfortunately it works for Canadian,
English,
Australian and New Zealand, South African licenses as well.

I just searched for mine and there it was; picture and all.

This is really scary. I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do
the same. Go to the website and check it out.

Just enter your name and city, leave it as 'Select a State' and see if
your licence is on file. (it doesn't matter what you put, it will bring yours up if their is a match to the name!!)

After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please
Remove".

http://www.license.shorturl.com

Nissan South Africa (Proprietary) Limited
(Registration number: 1963/007428/07)

Die begin van die Einde

Now here is something to brighten that hangover. A brilliant Japanese animation of what will happen when a meteor hits earth. Its hectic, no underground bunker will save your sorry ass, no Bruce Willis can slip in just in the nick of time. We will all pretty much be buggered. Even if it hits on the American side first. (which if you have been watching your end of the world movies, you will realise that it will hit just next to New York, and then a big tidal wave will wash over the statue of libery)

aaah... some nearly weekend fun


It will be a good start to a weekend.. come on.. do it.. do it... you know you wanna :)

when in doubt, do the wiggle...

:)

Wednesday, June 28

Die Best song on my radio

Its that time of the year again, yes, I can see you sitting upright. Its the time when we say:" I cannot believe you do not have this album" I am actually far behind with this one, everybody knows about it, it even gor featured in the friggin Sundat Times magazine (I mean really, can we even call that a magazine), so if it filtered through everything down to ground level, then everyone should have it all ready. Now here comes the interesting part, If you now find youself never to have heard of these fellas, then all i can say with a big fat L on my forehead is: "looooeeeeoooosssser", but I'm not that kind of guy. Also, who says loser these days. Not the cool kids in the yard, and their life is better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours.

where was I, yes, Ladies and Gents... the Raconteurs
Wow, when is the last time rock gave you a woody (no JP, not The Rock). The album is called Broken Boy Soldiers

You want to know more (here is the copy and paste section):

"Smothered by the indulgence of his rock star ranking, Jack White steps into the eccentricities of the supergroup, and at first glance, this seems to be a band where White's imposing presence could overshadow the rest. Not the case with these Raconteurs. Teaming with fellow Detroit songwriter Brendan Benson and Jack Lawrence and Patrick Keeler, the rhythm section from Cincinnati band the Greenhornes, White exhales a bit, deferring enough to his mates to make Broken Boy Soldiers play like a team effort. Following the Benson blueprint, "Steady as She Goes," which opens as a slice of 1960's radio pop,....more "

go get it Now

Tuesday, June 27

Die Emmer makes headlines


Our very own Tom ato is in the news again. The nerd news that is, but not that any of us can ever do what you do. Its all about Blue Clusters and the end of the world as we know it. Go check the article here.

Go Tom, nice set of pearlers

Monday, June 26

Die feel good game








Die you friggin scubadivers from hell!!!!!

Die Monday cartoonies




















Check out more here

Die internet must be saved

In the last two decades, the Internet has grown at an incredible rate and has rapidly become more accessible to people of all walks of life, throughout the world. Google now claims to index over 3 billion Web sites. It is no surprise, then, that the “information superhighway” has become an especially heated battleground for free speech. The Internet poses unique challenges for those who would try to hamper free expression as well as for those who campaign to defend it.

Because the technology for disseminating information has evolved so quickly (now including increasingly sophisticated peer-to-peer networks for sharing data), legislation finds it hard to keep up with the possibilities for expression made possible by this medium. However, security devices, sometimes implemented in conjunction with government efforts to suppress free speech - as in the case of China’s “Golden Shield” - can limit users’ access to certain kinds of content and make startling infringements on their privacy.Because of its relatively unregulated and universally accessible nature, the Internet quickly became a haven for pornography as well as many types of challenged speech including political dissent, hate speech, and corporate whistle-blowing. In February of 1996, Congress enacted the Communications Decency Act (CDA). CDA sought to protect minors from harmful material online by criminalizing transmission of “indecent” materials to minors.

However, in 1997, the Supreme Court ruled 9-0 in Reno v. American Civil Liberties Union that CDA was an unconstitutional restriction on the Internet, which they called a “unique and wholly new medium of worldwide human communication” deserving of full First Amendment protection.Much of the debate and legislation concerning censorship of the internet is centered on efforts to protect minors from sexually explicit content. In 2003, the Supreme Court ruled to implement the Children’s Internet Protection Act (CIPA), which required that filters be placed the content available on library computers.

Unfortunately, these regulations have unexpected consequences - for example, that the filters often inadvertently block innocent speech.

Friday, June 23

Die kak snaakse grappie

Because i believe you need it.....

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,

and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,

and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,

what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

A Day at the Races - Royal Ascot - Not that kinda party

And on the Front page of today's Daily Mail Newspaper .............

"With the champagne flowing and hearts beating fast, Royal Ascot can be a test of endurance for the spectator as well as the horse."

You know the feeling, we've all been there. The feeling of waking the next morning thinking I feel ill and I certainly have a bit of Losers Complex but hey..It’s just that LC. Look there are blank spots in my memory from the day before but how bad can it be. Maybe I just said a few inappropriate things but they'll get over it.
Casually get out of bed on your way to work pick up the paper, you know your normal morning routine. Then there it is ...the Blank spot in your memory has been filled. All and all not a happy place.
"Nou hy't kak pelle"

Thursday, June 22

Die Hillbilly Divorce

A hillbilly farmer who wants a divorce pays a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of those day-vorces."


The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. I need to figure out if you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks my John Deere."

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30AM."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal,
but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.

Die Small People Freak me out

Check out this newspaper clip. Circus dwarf gets eaten by Hippo.

Oh my Hat.


My mother always used to warn me not to bounce sideways off trampolines. If I ever became a dwarf. And there was a Hippo named Hilda nearby.

Oh, and one more thing, last time I checked the old gag reflex makes Hilda's not swallow. Maybe what I need is some dwarf flavoured lotion.

Ok Ive gone to far. I take that back. Here is something to make up for it:

A dwarf walks into a bar and he falls over a piece of shit on the floor, he walks off thinking nothing of it. A few minutes later a huge man walks in and steps in same piece of shit. The little dwarf shouts out "I just did that!"

So the big man kills him.

Wednesday, June 21

Die Airbrush

As some of you might know, i have been trying to teach myself Photoshop. Its been damn hard, cause everytime you go and visit your buddies for a free lesson, you end up polishing a bottle of tequila and crawling home at about 3 that morning. Well no more. I'm rather learning from the professionals, online that is, from people that know what they are talking about, that do not get bored and start cracking with slow learners.

Well today's lesson was in airbrushing and it was great. The dude is called Mizuno and he turned this...into this..


Click on them for the full view

So shoot me; It does not hurt that its a lovely lady, but thats not the point. the point is - go check this tutorial, so that, like me, you can do this to pictures of your loved ones. They are worth it.

Die Please Explain

The nice thing about having your truck fall over down here is that you can still have a view of the mountain.
PS: Sorry about the crappy phone pic

Tuesday, June 20

Die Shipping news


If you have not seen that friggin massive vessel in Cape Town habour lately then you either are stuck very deeply on the wrong side of the mountain or you are choking on a big fat boerewors curtain. Its like a floating factory. Big enough to hail from Mordor. Check the pic on the left. Its a sneaky I took from the Royal Cape Yaught Club during my lunch hour.

The Pope's dad say's its a oil semi reninery and he knows everything.

Die Scary Movie $

If some of you ladies where not that keen to go and check Scary Movie 4, here is some incentive..

Monday, June 19

Soccer Feaver - the French way

Hey Guys
Thought the boys will appreciate this pic for the world cup!
x

Thursday, June 15

Die special feeling

My oh my!!! Dinner club is going to kill me soon. My head is 7 seconds away from imploding.There is actually no power to post anything worthwhile, so I'm giving you something fresh out of my Inbox. Which is funny cause these pictures represent exactly how I feel.

Wednesday, June 14

Die Bad Santa

just when you thought you where running out of laughs for the day, M-net comes to the rescue at 9pm tonight - one of my personal favourites !!!!
with lines like:

Willie (Billy Bob Thornton): Things are fucked up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me fucking her sister, now I'm out on my ass.

Now thats comedy !!!

Die DJ saved my life

It's not often that rock and roll saves your life, but Ruby Wilson should thank Green Day after their artwork kept her safe from a dangerous hand grenade.

Ruby, 12, from Halifax, was clearing leaves when she found the device, and recognised it from a picture on her Green Day t-shirt.

Her dad saw her with the grenade, told her to put it down and called the army, who then blew it up.

found on Attu

Personally I would never have know what a drowning baby looked like if I did not see one on the Nirvana cover first.

Tuesday, June 13

Die Conspiracy Theory

Actually I do not really have one except the fact that these two objects are looking way too much alike to be a coinkidink.

The world cup trophy could just be the calling beacon for Tom Cruize's Scientology alien army to attack right in the middle of the World cup Final between Mexico and Holland. I am suddenly glad South Africa did not become host nation.

Monday, June 12

Die Amazing Word Origins

Todays word: SHIT

WTF ?

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T. " (Ship High In Transit), which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

Friday, June 9

I know its almost 2 o'clock and going home time for those who live in Cape Town, but IF you still in the office, please do yourself a big fat favour and go and check out these bunny suicides. It's kinda twisted, but it does make you feel all fuzzy on the outside. And once you get over all of that, it's friggin hilarious.

Die World Cup Dilema

Its getting Tight!!! The kick off is tonight and I have not yet chosen a team for the World Cup Pool.
I am checking the odds and it seems that Brazil is definately the favourite everywhere. But I really need a underdog suprise. Here are the top 10 favourites:

Brazil3.6
England8
Germany9
Argentina9.5
Italy11
France13
Holland15
Spain15
Portugal26
Czech Republic34
More here

Now the real clever money will be on Trinidag and Tobago with odds of 2001 (R100 X 2001= R200 100 ). But really, what are the chances. Any suggestions?

Thursday, June 8

Die Best Kept Secret

Ever heard this:" Damn brother man, this fish is so fresh, it must have still be swimming this morning". No?, well I hear it all the time. That is because I found the best place to buy the most fantastic fish. It is called Cape Seafood Wholesalers. They have no counters, tills, credit card machines, shop assistants, nothing. Its basically a wharehouse that buys a great variety straight from the fishing boats and distibute them to most of Cape Town's top restaurants.

They take you to the cold room in the back where these massive creatures lie under a bed of ice. Personally I was looking for some tuna. The guy then showed me a tuna the size of a pig. Unbelieevable!!! I told him:" no buddy, i just need 1kg, for sushi night you know". It was no problem. He cut me my piece there and then. And just listen to the price. R50 per kg. It's true. Alternaticely you can go to Pick 'n Pay and pay about R150 per kg on a good day.

Don't try to find this place, you will get lost. It's in Paarden Eiland (dodge city) and the best way to get there is to phone Kevin at +2721 510 6276. You will never go anywhere else.

Die end of a era


OK, its over now, the Chuck had officially come and gone, but I really could not resist, just for old times sake.

Wednesday, June 7

Die Shameless Self-promotion


The flower season has recently started again and you are all forced to go get yours imediately at your local Woolies. Chicks dig flowers, need I say more.

More pictures at the Frippit

Die Wednesday Wisdom

QuestionIs it true organic wine doesn’t give you a hangover?

AnswerThis would be great if it was true, but if you drink too much organic wine of course you will get a hangover.

However, organic wine, drunk in moderation, is less likely to give you a hangover than standard wine. All wines are treated with sulphur dioxide to help prevent deterioration in taste, but most organic winemakers tend to add far less than is routine practice. Many people react badly to sulphur and get headaches, so it is fair to say that organic wine is less likely than normal wine to give you a hangover. More

Tuesday, June 6

Die Engineering Wonders; Part 3

This fascinating picture shows how condensation of ambient water vapour occurs when air is suddenly subjected to low pressures. You see this often (although less spectacularly) as vapour trails left by commercial aircraft.
Its is made special as the aircraft is travelling close to Mach 1, and the Prandtl-Glauert singularity has amplified all pressure perturbations. As a result, the regions of expansion (low pressure) above the wings and cockpit correspond to much lower pressures than we would expect in an incompressible flow.
Now if there are any budding engineers out there, thinking "Hmm… Prandtl-Glauert singularity. That sounds fascinating! I think I’ll learn more"…DON’T! You will hurt your head. Even I could not understand all the maths despite wearing my glasses and a very knowing frown. Alas, that knowledge lies exclusively in the field of the brilliant, such as our co-writer Tom-ato who it appears (bored of waiting for Moira to take over the World) has started to make a play at taking over the universe.

Die Witpyp

Imagine this; in the 60's there was a commonly prescribed sleeping tablet sold around the world. But something was wrong, people became dependant. They realised that if you use the tablet with alcohol and dagga, it caused psycological and physical euphoria. Burglaries shot through the roof and the authorities had no choice but to ban it in most parts of the world because of its misuse. It's also one of the drug experiemented with by Wouter Basson ( and apparenty he later used it to create a drug laced tear gas).
What am I talking about? Mandrax aka Buttons to some of you. I have seen what it does to farm workers. Its scary. It turns these guys into Zombies. Its ridicilously cheap and easy to get - R30 (about $5) versus Crack that will cost you about R150 ($ 24). What is little known is that this drug is the most common drug used in South Africa. And apparently, very few other places. We use 80% of the world's production. And they make most of it in India and traffic it to us through North Africa. So once again a proudly South African product made more cheaply by other country's.

Die Universe

Greetings all you emmers out there. For those interested in finding out what I'll be up to for the next couple of years, go check out the following article at iol:

iol article

Later
Tom

Monday, June 5

My job here is done.......


You know how you travel the world with the mind set of finding the best ever so and so…..you know the best boerie roll, the best sole, the best tuna melt if that’s your poison…..well I can officially end the search for the best cosmopolitan. Yes people the search is off, done and dusted.

I found it at the George V in Paris and it was just perfect. It was served in a stemless Martini Glass ( by the by Jammin – any self respecting martini drinker should own a set of these) on ice with the mini shaker on the side. Each time you finished your cosmopolitan a handsome waiter would arrive and refill from the mini shaker followed by the signature process of lighting a Cointrue soaked orange peel just adding the little hint of smoky flavour…..aaaah now that’s what I’m talking about.

So the search is over people now for the next !!!!

Die other side of the Mountain

Not enough kudo's go to the Constantia Wine route. Cape Townians drive all the way to Stellies, when there are about 5 fantasic farms right under their noses. Plus/minus 20mins from everywhere. These where the first wine farms developed in the western cape, so the heritage is so thick you can choke on it. But its all good. Lieing close to the ocean give the soils a basic (as in basic versus acid) edge that the more inland winefarms do not have. This leads to great white wines.


Just take Cape Town's top selling white wine, the Buitenverwagten Buiten Blanc (or the BBB to the joburger's who cannot pronouce the dutch). You can buy it at a restaurant for roughly R90 to R130. On the farm you can pick it up for R36. Its a deal, its a friggin steal. (keep in mind that the rest of their selection does ges pretty steep, but you are definately worth it).

The area is breathtakingly beautifull and features some of the best restaurants that Cape Town has to offer. Perfect for a winter's summers day.

Sunday, June 4

Diva Le French Open

Parting is such sweet sorrow...


Friday, June 2

Die Engineering Wonders; Part 2

This image is one of the most spectacular pictures taken at Black Rock. The run occurred on October 6, 1997. The Mach number was approximately 0.95 and shock wave was formed near the front of the vehicle. Now I hear some of the more diligent noting that a Mach number of 0.95 is not actually supersonic and so shouldn’t produce shock waves. Which is a valid point, however, although the vehicle may not be supersonic the air that is being caused to flow around the body is and hence the formation of the shock wave.

Originally, it was thought that the differences in the lighting were due to refraction of light by the shock. It is now believed that a better explanation is that the "wind" induced by the shock has kicked up dust behind the shock. The bright region is just a scattering of the light off that faint dust cloud.

The THRUST team also reported that further evidence of the presence of shock waves during the transonic runs was found by inspection of the desert floor after passage of the vehicle. The dirt was seemingly pulverised with a "raked" appearance for a hundred or so feet to each side. This observation is consistent with the above "lofting-dust" explanation of the illumination.

Die Kasme

I recently had a slight disagreement with someone who does not appreciate the KASME (Kick Ass Sci-fi Movie Extravaganza). What this person could not understand was why there was such a constant stream of "crap" coming from Hollywood. "its all superhero's and hobbits these days". "where is the quality film?"
The answer is quite simple. Its all about the money. If something makes money, you are going to see allot of the same pretty soon. Why do you think they made a "Big Momma's house 2"? Lets look at the all time top 10 grossing movies:
Rank Title Worldwide Box Office
1. Titanic (1997) $1,835,300,000
2. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) $1,129,219,252
3. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001) $968,600,000
4. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) $922,379,000
5. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) $921,600,000
6. Jurassic Park (1993) $919,700,000
7. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) $892,194,397
8. Shrek 2 (2004) $880,871,036
9. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) $866,300,000
10. Finding Nemo (2003) $865,000,000

What do we have here, 3 Harry Potter's, 2 Lord of the rings, 2 Animations, a Star Wars and Titanic at the top (note: Titanic success is due partly to some crazy's watching it up the 16 times). Just look at that, Science Fiction city. Actually the highest non Sci-fi movie only comes in at number 22 - Forrest Gump ( and even that is riddled with special effects). If you had to scroll down to a non-special-effect "normal" movie you would land up at no.37 - Home Alone (no there's quality).
But its not that these movies are bad. The creativy assounds me. So much works and effort goes into creating a believable unbelievable world. Animation movies take 3 years to make. I sometimes feel that they have more "art" than art house movies. The only thing that they are lacking in are strong political or social opinions. But you can get that anywhere really.

So if you feel slightly guilty for eagerly anticipation the next Spiderman movie much more than the next Brokeback Mountain movie, don't feel bad. You are normal. You are the majority. Its all about the pop corn.

Thursday, June 1

Die future is now

Today is the greatest day in the history of my existence. Up till now i have just been plottering along though life not knowing what its all about. Well, that was until Julius Wood (how did he know my name) decided to include me in the most amazing offer i have seen to date. The... Just look at that girl, not only is she hot, but she is looking up, that man's penis must be HUGE. Now just imagine, it can go right in between your Fat loss patch and your Nicorette patch. Now you can be thin, without a ciggie and hung like a Carribian fighting Donkey. Whats more amazing is that it will:
  • Elevate sex drive to new levels
  • Maintain erections for longer periods
  • Raise my ejaculation volume
Why have we never heard about this patch before? Will this product sink Viagra? Can you put it on your cucumber if you need to make a large salad? So many qeustions...
This offer must be the reason I have a e-mail adress