The Intergalactic Daily Message (D.M. - Die Emmers, get it, its frigging brilliant) Hosted by the Holiday House constituents in Cape Town. Spreading the good news to YOU, whilst creating the illusion that you never left home and we still love you.

Wednesday, November 30

Love the Irish

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Lego of me!


Lego’s Danish founder Ole Kirk Christiansen named the famous bricks in 1934 by fusing two Danish words, “leg” and “godt” meaning “play well.”

Children across the world spend 5 billion hours every year playing with Lego bricks
.

The bricks are available in 90 different colors

Suprise visitor


Have I got good news for everyone.

Slightly hungover the jam was about to roll out of his bed the other day, but something was in his way. No, it was not his blow up doll, and no it was not his pet crocodile. It was a jolly red guy chewing bubblegum.




Jam: " Morning dude, (chough chough) mind passing me that bottle of water"

Guy:" ho ho ho, no fackin problem Jam"

Jam:" (Glugg glugg), hey!!( glugg glugg) who are you, you jolly fat freak, and what are you doing on my designer pillow?"

Guy:" Ho ho ho, I'm Secret Santa and where is your Ho ho ho?

Jam:" It was not that kinda party" Did you bring me presents.

Secret Santa:" That depends, have you been a good boy?"

Jam:" Fo shizzle secret santa look Exhibit A- no Ho, exhibit B – I hung up my pants before I went to bed, exhibit C – mmm, well, there was this old lady and Ahh I’ve got nothing.”

Secret Santa:” Good enough, ho ho ho, I brought you some kick ass presents, First up, here is a personal letter from Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris stating that they are sorry for trying to kick you ass, and when they get released from hospital, they will personally round house kick everyone who ever said any nasty about the Jam.

Jam:" they friggin better. Hey Secret Santa, keep your hands above the duvet, I'm watching you."

Secret santa:" Sorry I thought it was a cookie. What Else do I have for you, mmm yes, You shall have no hangovers for the rest of the festive season."

Jam:"Gimme a hug"

Secret Santa: "wait, there is more. I have decided that there shall be no expelsions on Die Emmers"

Jam:" Serious"

Secret Santa:" Seeriiiaaaaas" your little godcomplex have gone too far. Anyhoozy, There are only three competitors left, Esmarelda can stay cause she got the most votes and K mac is going to be a famous actor one day and Spoonk has been in too many magazines not to keep on."

Jam:" I hear you santa, I was actually going to post about that today, Here have a cookie.

Secret Santa:" I don’t eat that kinda Cookie"

Jam:" get off my bed you sick f*ck"

Just for the record, do not confuse Secret Santa with the other Santa. Secret Santa is a distant cousin that brings useless pressies on end of the year functions and dinner parties. There is also a case pending against him involving misconduct with some elves. They are giving no comments at this stage.

Revenge. Eina Pyn....

Apparently it's going around NY at the moment. 1st is a girl's apology email for cheating on some bloke. 2nd is his reply which was Bcc'd to his entire address book.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever.. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.


I am so sorry.


Elizabeth

RESPONSE:


Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern.

I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken wh * res I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him"somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

Tuesday, November 29

knyp knyp my storie is uit

ok - as you can see this poll has left me with many sleepless nights - i'll be honest i was going to give it a couple of weeks to see how i was doing with the general public - vanity is the tool of the devil!! its the root of all women!!!
i was so affected i only forgot to shave my mustache region and ended up looking like a dirty pirate hooker.
so here is my post - i could not hold out for another day - i was going to go to the gym to sculpt my massive guns (i can do over a thousand curls)... i know it boring...but its my life.
the stevo want in - you here - in in in!
please all - expect the posts to fly in like wild turky
and remember that here in taiwan the language barrier is a hell of a thing... i generally dont understand you crazy mo fo's
also i dont know if you fellows have heard citizen cope - but i recommend you give him a listen - i have only heard three of his songs but they are pretty wicked -
ok seriously dont boot me - i will be hurt - i mean that - stuck inside a glass cage of emotion!
i love you guys
and thank you all for attending this mandatory drug awareness program!

Scared of the darkness

Hectic people, I am actually shaking in my boots. Today at 12:30 I would have finished my proverbial Matric Exam. Which for us working people mean that one massive presentation, meeting, review that can either make 2005 the best year ever or just leave a rancid taste in your mouth (like a bad gruerre) and so force you to booze your way to Christmas. Anyhoozy, what I am trying to say, regardless of what shots I get or give today, I will be head first into the silly season by early afternoon. So if anyone is free, I was thinking a bit o' Raddisson. That will go nicely with this absolutely magnificent day that Cape Town has thrown our way.

Looks whats new at your CD store.


Is the Darkness still cool? Do they still rock? I actually dont know. But, I think worthwhile a ear squeeze.

Monday, November 28

Random facts about chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

2. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

6. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

7. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

8. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.

10. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Sunday, November 27

Advertisement

Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency, for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent) targeting the French market.

They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.
The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details...


Apparently, it has created quite a buzz in Europe

Saturday, November 26

The Vandal


In the mist off all these expelsions. A new member on probation. He has to post 4 times to be a member. The Vandal from the Edinburgh. Likes tight fitting t-shirts, velvet jackets, coke sluts and a mustache ride. Heart breaker booty shaker cocktail maker. We like him already.

Friday, November 25

Bondage Fetish


Here they come... moo ha ha ha

Its all in the name

Somethings just keep on amazing me to no end. When i am studying our stats to find out exactly who comes to this site and for what reason (yes, its true I know exactly when you log on and how long you stay, moo ha ha ha) I find that have the people come here not for from the hilarios jokes, the indepth comments on life, too see if they can cement a date with Mr. J, no, they come here because of one picture and what it is called.

Well here is the picture:


And it happened to be called Darth fetish, (Its somewhere in our archives and i cannot be bothered to find it). So there are sickos out there that do a google search to find this kinda thing and end up here. I promise you, about 10 hits a day minimum. this shit really turn people on, allot of them.So I think it would be a good idea to start calling our our pictures nasty names.If you post something with Bambi on it, rename the picture Hot sexy teen deer or even bosbokkie into bondage or orphaned hairy girl loves to roll in the short grass. Not that we want that kinda traffic, but who is to know.

Thursday, November 24

Random Fact Generator

Im sure you all saw the "Vin Diesel Random Fact Generator", followed by the "Mr T Random Fact Generator" which brought us such classics as:

Mr T once pitied a fool so hard he burst into flames and Mr T once smacked someone so hard he pitied 3 fools before he hit the ground.....,

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

And one more for good measure: 23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence

Someone emailed me some more Vin Diesel Facts that actually made me laugh out loud:

Vin Diesel is so Hardcore that:

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

And finally:

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while f*cking another.

A choice every man has to make eventually

Getting into the festive spirit

Simple math


You most probally have seen that before, but its still brilliant.

Now for something new and completely different. A website that gives you step by step instructions on what you should do if you find that you have kidnapped Matt Damon. With great sections like "How to keep your Matt Damon entertained" Worthwhile a visit

Wednesday, November 23

HAHA - LOL

An Indian couple both age 37, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "what can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us havesexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished having the intercourse, the doctor said,
"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them R70.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said,"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go toher house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges R225. The Hilton charges R879. We do it here for R70, and I get R65 backfrom Discovery medical Aid!"

Intelligent McDonald employees


Fresh from the Giriddle

Poll position


Just a little midweek voting update. Thanks for the enthusiam. You guys can stop voting for JP Tom ato and Jace. they have posted and they are allowed to stay. Where you have to put your efforts is behind the remaining Spook (who we will excuse for now cause she is shopping in South America), K mac, Esmarelda and Stevo. If you wanna keep 'em - Beep 'em.

Place your bets

This game is for those who don't like to learn a lot of rules. It's simple, it's fun and you get to drink A LOT! All you need is one die, plenty of beer, and at least one friend.

One person starts....it doesn't matter who. That person says "Place you bets!". Everyone tries to guess what number will be rolled and places their "bet" by putting that number of fingers down on the table. To bet a six, just make a fist and put it on the table.

The roller rolls. If the number that is rolled is the number of fingers you put down then you don't have to drink. If it's not you must take as many sips as the number that was rolled.

If you guess the right number 3 times in a row you can make a rule. The die is passed after every roll.


This one sounds like fun... when can we play? no psychics allowed... :)

Plain & Simple: Shotgun Rules

Theres been blue eyes, broken toes, clumps of hair and the nastiest comments ...

now its time to abide by the rules:


The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding.

Section I: The Basic Rules

1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call, most of the time a nod will be suffice.
2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to the said vehicle.
3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.

Section II: Special Cases

These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.

1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.
3. In the instance that the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired escort for the evening is going to accompany the group, she is automatically given Shotgun, unless she declines.
4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.
6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three-hour trip with him crammed in the back. (FRANK WILL ALWAYS WIN IMMUNITY ON THIS ONE WONT HE!!)

Section III: The Survival-of-the-Fittest Rule

1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fittest Rule on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, except I-4, are suspended, and the passenger seat is occupied by whomever can take it by force.
2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the Fittest Rule with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.

Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I-4.

Bird Flu Symptoms, part XI

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms
of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek
medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.

When good drugs go bad


Terror struck in our happy little home over the weekend. Or just outside our front door, but if you read on to realise the maddness that occured you would agree that this too is to close for comfort.

So me and mr. J got new neigbours about a month ago. They didnt look strange, they just had a vibe about them that said if you had to strike up a conversation with them it would be pretty boring. And the one guy wore 80's shorts, so I knew something was amiss.

So our other neigbour comes home on Saterday night only to find (lets call him) Johnny lieing in the passage. Upon asking him is something is wrong Johnny starts beating the crap out of him and then starts going for his girlfriend. The neigbour tries his best to keep this madman of his girlfriend, but the Johnny just smashed his wall sized window. Upon hearing this racket another neigbour hears what is happening and comes to the rescue. He enters the scuffle and ends up getting his hand smacked in the door. And by smacked I mean the door cut off 3 of his fingers.

Seeing blood set our little pscho well on his rampage. He continued to smash the Security guard's computers and display screen all to the ground, from where he ran to the parking lot and there he decided to jump from car to car. During his jumps he felt it was neccesary to rip off a couple of rear view mirrors. He then takes his trail of destruction to the roof (20th story). By now someone has called the cops, causes he has beaten off all off our crack security personel. When they reach the roof they find Johnny sitting on the ledge ready to commit suicide.

Well after the cops bring in the negotiator they get him of the ledge and shock the crap out of him. Bzzzzzzzzz (fry little piggy fry) and drag his still-twiching ass to the cop shop.

What the hell happened? Did he loose his nut? Did someone break his heart?
Well its all speculation at this stage, but we got it from a good source that Johnny's flatmate (who has gone AWOL by the by) used work at a pharmacy. nuff said. All our other neigbour had to say was "I think its narcotics". Well there you have it boys and girls, be carefull what you put in your mouth this holiday (or your nose or your arm).

The building had a meeting last night and they found they had no grounds to evict him, but they are slapping him with a invoice for his destruction.Grand total- R30 000. nice one

Tuesday, November 22

The missing link

Camel toes explained...

Get yours today !

Local Camel Toad Spotted


Is this what a camel toad looks like?

Worried family member asks for help


click on image for larger view, trust me, its worth it

en flammes

Vintage........I think YES


It’s not everyday that something amazing happens that completely takes the mundane routine out of your average working day, to a point where you think to your self now either this it truly amazing or this chap is taking me for one hell of a ride.
I was just pondering that very emotion when the friendly furniture dealer faxed through a Certificate of Authenticity.
And I realized it truly is the real thing…..but could it be?
That over here on the Muddy island when they refer to something as an Antique they are not playing around!!




Certificate of Authenticity

The ‘Thames Wood’ Oak supplied to Titchmarsh & Goodwin for the ‘Laetitia’ table Project has been reclaimed from actual sections of the first Roman port facility built in London in 63AD

The ‘Thames Wood’ Oak was discovered during excavations by the Museum of London’s Archaeological Service on Site just North of London Bridge.

Dr.Martin Bridge from University College London was commissioned to verify and date the wood. Using the extremely accurate method of dendrochronology, which is used to calibrate carbon dating, this wood is certified to have started growing in BC186 and felled by the Romans in 63AD.
Now you might not be interested in Antique Furniture or even get really excited about board room tables…but being a distinguished dieemmers reader it means you have taste and a certain amount of appreciation for the finer things in life.

So surely you can appreciate the notion of sitting at a table that in essence started growing 186 years before Christ as being quite something.

Love the Irish

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.Then the Scotsman says,

"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.Then the American says,

"Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.

"Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.Then the Irishman says,

"You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"




The bird popped his head out twice in Hermanus

Shark identifcation practical, part 1

Monday, November 21

Bob

It was to my great dismay to log on to Die Emmers for my weekly fix of Cape Town as I left it. Only to discover I'd become the unwitting contestant of our very own I'm a celebrity get me out of here!I do not contend that in order for a blogg to be run successfully it requires the attention and love of all its contributors. But like many things in life we have to accept that not all men have equal resources and equal time to spend doing the things we love. How I yearn to come in early Monday morning, warm up with a little round of Worms and then settle into a day of photoshopping and surfing for the Hoff. My reality however is slightly different and access to the internet is controlled by the big Brother that is the company I work for. I do however forward any amusing anecdotes I deem worthy and noticed that although these have been published in the last month on my behalf I still appear on the list of shame.To further insult us of the extradited community, there was no personal warning of up coming evictions, no personal e-mail to someone you've known for 8 years with kind yet firm words of encouragement.What do we look for in our leaders today? Someone with drive and vision, someone to create a page that is original and entertaining. To maintain this domain in a manner that allows its denizens to come and drink from the fountain of creativity and inspiration that is Die Emmers. And above all someone who has enough time on his or her hands to do all of this for us. And we have this all now but I fear history is about to repeat itself at the peril of all those who will not learn from Africa's turbulent past. Did Bob not lead a revolution in Rhodesia, unite a nation and forge one of Africa's oldest democracies in the name of peace and reconciliation. But then some deserved more reconciliation than others and soon all men were no longer equal, you only had to be 18 to claim war veteranship for a war that ended over twenty years ago. And now Africa's breadbasket lies a broken land, ravished by poverty, famine and violence.Does this fate await the green pastures of the Die Emmers? I don't believe the threat is imminent but heed the warning: Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.Ben don't be our Bob.

British government to extend pub hours


About friggin time,
The British government is pressing ahead with plans on Thursday to extend pub opening hours in England and Wales, amidst controversy surrounding the country's growing binge-drinking culture. Denounced as the "new British disease" by Prime Minister Tony Blair himself, binge drinking and the millions of young people who drink to get drunk every weekend has become an alarming problem in Britain. From Thursday, the traditional 11pm pub closing time in England and Wales will be consigned to history. The laws will not however apply in Scotland and Northern Ireland. Whole Story

You guys must be doing backflips on hearing this. Just for the record, I have been feeling sorry for you for a long time.

Gourmet Puzzle?


Chicken?

Beef?

Pork?

Get the real answer here

Friday, November 18

I think Boon missed his Calling

Name: Ray Digerati
Age: 34
Occupation: IT Gigolo


So, how long have you been a tech-support manwhore?
A few months. A friend was having trouble connecting to the Internet, this really attractive girl, and the idea just popped into my head: "Wow, it would be really nice if I could get sex for this." I placed an ad on Craigslist that read, "WILL FIX COMPUTERS FOR SEXUAL FAVORS," and I've had an overwhelming number of responses.

So, this scam actually works?
Yeah. Most of the calls I get are for spyware removal and viruses. One girl didn't even wait for me to finish the virus scan—she just grabbed me and gave me a blow job.

Do you have a set, um, pay scale?
No, I leave it up to their discretion. One girl didn't want to have intercourse, so she offered me a massage and then finished me off with a hand job. It's basically all about the time I spend: If I'm working for one or two hours, I'd like a blow job. An orgasm for every two hours of service is pretty fair. If it's something simple that I can fix in 15 minutes, I'd like to get a foot massage.
More

Friday finger fun

Now for another site completely undedicated to the betterment of mankind, Show the finger

You send a picture in of someone flipping the bird and they will post it. I sent one in yesterday of my colleage and lo and behold there she is.

So today I am submitting these two late night acts of rebeliousness

Dont you just hate those days.....

..when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed

Thursday, November 17

go check the goose

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"


Survivor DMers - Out Play Out Post

Why does P diddy have a posse? Is it to look good? Are they carrying his drugs for him? Should mr. Diddy get into a fight are they gonna back him up.? OR are they just hanging with ol' dids so they can tell people at dinner parties that: " Yeah, I hang wit' da brotha, he's cool" and " It aint easy being part o' P Diddy Posse"

So as you might have guessed ( by that really unfortunate intro) its that time of the year again. Time to clean house,time to live by our slogan:" Do it, do it, put your back into it" Time for all your free riding contributors to prove to our ever growing audience out there that you are indeed a team player and not just sitting pretty on our Contributors list. Yes people being a DMer means that you have to post something every now and then. Not just when you get awarded your membership. (and if I remember correctly a couple of you begged us for months to be put on the list). Put your back into it

So I am forced to whip out the black list. AAHHHHH not the black list, yes, but remember, this is hurting me more than it is hurting you. The blacklist consists of DMers that have not posted in the last month. The black list will remain for 14 days ( till the 1st of December) and anyone still on the list by 12 o clock will be expelled. Harsh, I know, but its for your own good.

How do you get of the blacklist. Simple there are two ways. The easy way, you can just do a post, then we will take you off. OR (the is the new and Improved section) you can get voted off. Thats Right!! Survivor style. The 2 blacklistees with the most votes by Dec 1st get to stay as well.
whoo hoo

another night, another tale

POST Diaz Tavern Photos:

Wednesday, November 16

New Blue Bulls Captain announced

Thanks for the Camp Photos Jammin - http://rivercamp.servebeer.com

So friggin cool

Oh my goodness, my morning is booked solid. If you missed it on D2 and it flew you by on Cherryflava, then we are taking the credit. All your favourite favourite TV shows soundracks. Right now I'm rocking to "good morning South Africa" ,"Liewe Heksie", "Dallas" "Magnum PI" and much much more.

And speaking of Dallas, you so have to go check how they are keeping the ball rolling (with updates to the new Dallas movie, with John Travolta). The site is called Ulimate Dallas, can you believe it



Totally of the topic, does anyone recognise this handsome devil. He seems to be so "Who's who"

Tuesday, November 15

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your assh*le is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends."

River Camp Photos

Hi Guys,

Still waiting for all the camp photos, thanks to the beautiful stef for her contribution.
the rest of you, just do it, put your back in to it !!

Go here:

http://rivercamp.servebeer.com/

Here's how to get the photos to me:

Select all the photos, right click on them and select 'Send to' - 'Mail Recipient'
Select 'Make all my pictures smaller'
Send email (ask the Jam for my address)

PS: this only works for winXP

Merci

Ze German's are coming


European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


  • In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
  • The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
  • There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
  • In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
  • By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
  • During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
  • Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
thanks Nev

If Giraffes came from America


Ha ha ha, I just want hug and squeeze it and take it to Mc Donalds

Monday, November 14

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

Thanks for these Nic!


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

Future Ferraris on Show


MARANELLO, Italy — Twenty visions of a future Ferrari are on show at a prestigious exhibition in Ferrari's hometown.

The designs are the finalists in a competition involving young designers from four of the world's leading car design schools. The lucky four winners will receive a valuable placement with either Ferrari or Italian design house Pininfarina. More here

I for one like the future, cause thats when I am going to be able to afford my first Ferrari. So its pretty cool to know what you are going to be cruzing in down the Camp's bay strip. "haai Bokkie, wil jy sokkie?"

Six of the best

Found this on Iafrica Travel
Its the six of the best (or worst) list. You can go ahead and make your own about anything you like. I like this one,
cause its true

Draft beer in low-budget bars

Windhoek Draft / Fireman's Pub - CT
Always extremely cold, served quickly and followed by a hot Fireman's special - this is the stuff dreams are made of!

Castle Draft / Vasco de Gama
Known affectionately as the "Portuguese embassy", this place in Greenpoint is populated mostly by real dinkum portuguese guys. Women were only allowed in there a couple years ago. The perfect draft chaser is the baby Kingklip.

Amstel Draft / The Outlook Restaurant, Plettenberg Bay
Always popular and overlooking a pristine beach location. The beer is served achingly cold and happily by young, flouncy girls always eager to help. Perfect with the "Beer glass" of prawns.

Stella Artois Draft / Giles, Gauteng
This stuff is served pretty much anywhere. It is rated AA+ but Giles is the best place for it. Food is generally average but if you are hungry, go for the fillet.

Castle Draft / Diaz Tavern, Cape Town
Yup, well I'm a sucker for Castle Draft but Diaz is up there - similar vibe to the "Embassy" but slightly more upmarket. Go for the Diaz Special - fish plate with calamari. Wash down with Castle, and port and coffee to finish

Bosuns Draft / Mitchells Brewery, Waterfront
Can't really drink too many of these but it is the best place to drink it. Used to be the Cathcart arms in Grahamstown but that has now closed. Go upstairs for a sporting event at the Scotch Ale House (next to Ferrymans)

Impulse buy

Something in Clicks made my miss my good buddy Tim Pongweni (aka Pongo)
And thought you where a stock broker

Friday, November 11

Never fart in your wetsuit

oh almost forgot

what do you do if someone has an epileptic fit in a bath...





throw in your washing!



am i goin to get into trouble for that one?

hmmm

what do you do with a guy who has only one hand...





take him to a second hand shop...




lame... but funny... and i needed to post before i get threatened again! :) :) :)

Thursday, November 10

Cool casting for spidey 3

As we know you come come to DMers for the lastest of the latest in important stuff and badd spelling, that is why it is my pleasure to bring you a first glimpse at the villians of Spiderman 3.

First up is Thomas Haden Church, You know the guy from Sideways and he was also the dumass mechanic on Wings. Well he is playing the villian Sandman. Long story short- angry person, radioactive material, revenge. but his body can take any shape by turning into sand. cool.














Then we have Topher Grace That geek from 70's show, you know- Eric Forskin. He will be Venom. Long story short- Failed journalist, Alien symbiotic takes over his body, revenge.

All in all, i am pretty damn impressed, these guys are pretty cool, especially Thomas. Only comming out in 2007, ut I am sure it will be worth the wait.

Its snot golden


In other hot breaking news around the world, there have been reports of a green puppy being born to a Golden retrevier.

A dog breeder in Alhambra, Calif., is mystified after his golden retriever gave born to a green puppy, according to a Local 6 News report.
More here




Actually, why did I post this, does anybody really care about a green friggin dawg, and look its trying to lucky with it's sister. Bad cabbage