Terror Suspect Revealed

Seen on a London subway shortly before terror bombings.
Coinkidink, i think not

Changes In the CBD

IT has moved to the 3rd of August, people. A couple of Emmers went to Carlyles last night to celebrate pay day and to do some pre CBD dinner research. It still rocks, still filled with beautifull people, and the food, ai Caramba, still bladdy fantastic. So as i mentioned its on the 3rd, thats the 3rd if you didnt get it. the 3rd now, on a Wednesday, in August, die GROENE, Druk hom!!!
See everybody there.

The Changing Room

This is pretty cool, you design yourself, nose, afro ect. Get some stylin kit, and then watch yourself dance like you did last friday.

Look at that Jammin go...

Takes a while to load, but you're worth it
Check it!!!

the girl from ipanema

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes - ah

When she walks, she's like a samba
That swings so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes, each one she passes goes - ooh


Its birthday time again!!!! Whoo hoo.

Happy Birthday Esmarelda

This lovely lady has been to busy trekking up and down South America to become a full-fledged DMer, but deep down we all know you as one of the originals.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
George Santayana (1863 - 1952), Soliloquies in England, 1922

Have a fantastic bolamakisie Day

World's Oldest Dildo Discovered

It's 28,000 years old and it was found in a German cave. "The prehistoric 'tool' was reassembled from 14 fragments of siltstone. Its life size suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its Ice Age makers."

Seems that there has always been some "independant women".

Local Hero

No-one ever gives credit to the brave that feed our drunken children. They are there on the frontline, night after night, braving the elements (the elements chiefly being their average customer).

One of these brave men stand out above all the rest. He took the average side walk Boerewors stand and slowly grew into one of the most popular eateries that Long street has ever seen. I am indeed talking about Mohamad.
This hero studied cooking at the Bosnian School of Culinary Delights, fought in the Bosnian war, Captained a Cruise liner after which then he moved on to our sunny shores to do some extensive research into the design of the perfect Boerie. I think he did it.

These days you queue for about 30min to get your boerie. He’s got a 3 table display that will rival the Rio carnival and two lovely ladies helping him cope with the carnage of customers. Business seems to be good, really good, but ol Mohamad has not let it get to his head. He is still there every evening giving the stand his personal Mohamad magic.

I have personally done 3 back to back boeries and I am still very much alive. Go get one tonight.

Gone deeper underground

Mutha FM was'nt gone, it just moved onto the internet, so everybody can listen to it.
Fo' some background music fo' yo' Hoffertime.
Check it out

Excuse me Mrs. Officer

Mr. J alerted me the this little number, it sounds pretty mad


Cuff'd Saturday, 30 July
City : Cape Town
Type : Party
Cost : Pre-sold VIP R50 / Pre-sold normal R30 / Normal door R40 / Normal VIP R60Doors Open : 9.00pmPlaynice Productions presents CUFF'D.
Here's how it works:
Guys will be handcuffed Girls will be given the keys to a mystery guy's handcuffs Guys need to find the girl with the right key Girls get to enjoy playing with defenseless guy FIRST COUPLE TO UNLOCK THE CUFFS GETS R500 BAR TAB AND 2 PLAYNICE WELCOME CARDS.

Loads of other attractions: Sexy bunny girls on the prowl police officers issuing shooter fines Playnice CD giveaways VIP ticket giveaways for the next Playnice party This is the first in a series of 3 very, very, very naughty productions from Playnice.... more

Girl, you'll be a woman soon

Our very own Ro has reached the tender age of 25. Is it too soon to start lying about your age Ro? Well keep living that Rockstar life on your island.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
Evan Davis

Happy Happy Sister girl

Blogger Dinner - Home Town/Cape Town

ITS here!!! Been a long time coming, but that only means that its gonna be worth the wait.

Place: Carlyle's on Derry
The old school Cape Town possy where pretences are let down and tequilas are held up. Great food, good vibe and nice waitresses.
Date: 4th of August
Who: Some very important people and YOU!! (I will start bragging with the guess list closer to the time)
RSVP in the comments section

"I will definately call you back"

For those that know the internet like the road to their closest KFC, this is probally old news, but I am not saying this for you. I am saying this for the people like me who are yet to experience the wonder of Hello Peter .

Pick a problem, any problem that you might have with some South African company right now. I'm saying a problem with your Cell phone company, bank, supermarket ect. (Like your Cell C problem, sera) You write a little note of your complaint. They send a mail to that company and your little problem get solved before you even have time to say:" golly, that was fast."
People actually listen to Hello Peter cause they advertise who is helpfull and who is not.

Good stuff, hello Peter ,thanks Peter

Harry Potter can wait

Since we are all flogging culture this morning, I might aswell throw in my little 18cents.

GO and read The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts by Louis De Bernieres
Old Tom ato gave it me to read and I suffered some serios lack of sleep because of it. Page turner of note.

And now for the synopsis:
With The War of Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts Louis de Bernières's sardonic pen has concocted a spicy olla podrida of a novel, set in a fictitious Latin American country, with all the tragedy, ribaldry and humour Bernières can muster from a debauched military, a clueless oligarchy and an unconventional band of guerrillas. There's a plague of laughing, a flood of magical cats and a torture-happy colonel. The cities, villages, politics and discourse are an inspired amalgam of Latin Americana, but the comedy, horror, adventure and vibrant individuals are pure de Bernières.

Thanks Tom, where have you been by the by?

NEW DMer revealed

Since I have received numerous death threats, i have decided that the time has come to reveal our mystery new contributor.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the
BOON
He likes tight fitting clothing, walks on the beach, wearing headbands, lesbians, waltzing to rock music, wrestling with carpets, 4 X4ing, your sister, Sobeit, beard growing, married women, detoxing and people that are nice to small animals.

We expect great things from you Boonie, dont let the team down

We still feel the same way

To Jan, Koos and Niek
Please

The BOERIE for the people

YES, as mentioned earlier it is Madiba's b-day and I though it would be a good idea to do something to make South Africa (and most probally, the world) a better place.

Background:
There is a ancient mythlogical document that has been passed down from father to son for the last 300 years (some have traced it back to the times of Kubla Khan). Some people have called this document the backbone of modern day South African society. It has prevented wars, saved dinner parties and has given a sense of purpose to numerous lost souls.
You guessed it.
I am talking about the
B.O.E.R.I.E.
The Braai Official Executive Rules In English.

What is it?:
It is the official braai rules. In black and white. Braai definitions. Braai master designations. Salad making protocol, braai spectator ettiqette. The works.

Problem:
I do not know how to make it downloadable by you straight from this website.

Solution:
Drop me a e-mail, and i will mail you back with the B.O.E.R.I.E. attached.
ben@algestates.com

This here is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. and its FREE. Just think about it. Next time you are braaiing, you just whip out your B.O.E.R.I.E and you'd automatically be the coolest dude.

Monday Round Up

As Mondays go, i am probally the freshest banana on the bunch, even though I feel like a mouldy rusk. But then all you Sunday Clubbers where probally expecting it.

There is some Monday business to take care of.

1. We have a new DMer. Yay. Now before all you old school Emmers go up in arms about how I can sommer get a new contributor without your permission yadda yadda ect. My qeustion to you is:" What have you done for your blog lately." the answer is:" not much." Well, this new fella (and in the name of suspence I will not reveal his identity until its official) has promised to help with the new DMer overhaul face lift as well as posting some interesting tidbits from his rockstar lifestyle. He will be a asset.

1. Then to celebrate Madiba's birthday DMers has got a present for it loyal readers. More on that later.

When to stop drinking:

When your Brandewyn does this.

Happy weekend folks

Post Secret

If you have a gap today, please go have a look at this blog. Tts is quite harrowing. People send them anonamous homemade postcards with their secrets on. Some are quite shocking. But it makes you feel that life is not that shit after all.
Go check it out

Here are some lighter ones:


thank Cool Hunting

Bob's very own website

Bob during his training days in Europe

Dear Comrades
After the recent spate of biased and mischievous reporting by the colonialist foreign press, I have ultimately decided to reveal to you, the honest and hard-working citizens of Zimbabwe, a little more of Mugabe - The Man.
I know you love your leader as much as you love your country. I know you deserve to see what kind of man I am. To those of you that already know me, this will simply be a joyous refresher of your cherished memories of me. To those with the still unfulfilled desire to know me better, I welcome you to an intimate glimpse of Mugabe - The Man.
ENTER

Ermmm forgot to say thanks to The pirate

So hot right now

The Cornerstone of any dinner party conversation

The original fridge joke:

Q: whats white and blue and sits in a tree?
A: a fridge with jeans on.

Not so original fridge Jokes:

Q: whats white with a red scarf and sits in a tree?
A: Rupert the fridge

Now you can see it go down hill from there:

Q:Whats black and white and hangs from the tree?
A: Batfridge

Q: Whats White and runs down the beach?
A: Fridge Buccanan

Q: Whats white, hot and will not give you action?
A: Fridget

Q: Whats white and has Clint Eastwood in it?
A: Fridges of Madison County

Q: Whats white and sucks your Blood?
A: a Freech

Q: Whats white and likes little boys?
A: Micheal Jackson

feel free to leave your own in the comment section

THE DDT

What the hell is the DDT? Well the pope is still working on our logo, (by the by Pope, pls design us a logo).
Its the bi-yearly DMer DeTox. Its when you you decide to stop using those things that make the weekend so much more worth living. Its when you decided:
"what the hell am I doing to my body, its time to only allowed natural healthy things into my temple"
Now there are 2 schools of thought when it comes to Detoxing:

1. Kmac School of thought - NO: Booze, ciggies, weed, red meat, dairy, deep fried food stuffs, preservatives, long street boeries ect.
2. Jammin school of thought - No booze, ciggies, full stop.

Well this bad boy is going on for 2 weeks - till 24th July. After which you will be rejuvinated, healthy and pure when you walk into that first bar to order back to back Tequilas and a pack of filter cigarettes.

DDT, dont do it for yourself, do for your children

War of the worlds

A good night out, there are times when I almost crap myself. A DMer 7/10, but for a half decent review go to Splattermail

Smaak soos Kaapstad.

Hey guys

Had a bomb scare in Birmingham on Sat night! They evacuated the entire city centre (25-30 thousand people!), emptying all the pubs, clubs and hotels. Seriously people walking about in dressing gowns and towels. We also got evacuated from a bar and had to walk all the way around the city centre to get back to Nic's flat (which is in the city centre limits). Was like being in a movie with the whole city empty and helicopters flying over head. Didn't scare us though, having had all the training old Pagad provided back in CT. And in keeping with remembering the finer points of CT, I've included this lullaby for those who may need a car because they drive like shit and crash into the back of others! (Um... Talking about Jared in this case but can see why you may have thought it was you Ben)

Lullaby provided compliments of our friends in the Arab peninsula.

To be read without your two front teeth

Cape Flats Lullaby

Hush my laaitie, don't you cry Daddy's gonna steal you a GTi, And if that GTi don't Torque, Another GTi I will stalk. And if the stalking don't go too well, Daddy's gonna steal you a Caravelle And if that Caravelle makes some tricks, Daddy's gonna 'jack you a VR6. And if that VR6 won't fly, Daddy's gonna knock a BM from Umhlanga guy. And if that BM's sound is kwaai, Da Newlands cherries will go with you to elke braai! And if the cops ask why, Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy! And if all these things still make you cry... Then you're not my laaitie ....... your mom mos told me a lie !!

The 1st Annual Franschoek Winter Olympics Weekend Roundup

Now that your fearless reporter has fully recovered from the madness of 48hours back to back drinking he can finally lay it all on the table, in sequence I might add.

The FWO Warmup
No olymipics would be deemed proper without the warmup. Unfortunately we burned the Vuvuzela on the stove the night before so no national anthem was heard. In this case it started with Rickety Bridge wine warm, where we managed to taste some 8 wines before we had to schoot over to the ruggers. Ruggers lost we decided that we where not nearly warm enough and took the party down to Chamonix and then up the hill to Deue Donnoiux . Where the sunshine bounces off the valley like a buchu blitz bounces of mr. J's ability to hold his liquor.


After some further handstands and 4-man pushups, we where all ready to start with the first event.


1. CHIPP and PUTT

You get 2 shots to get as close to the brandewyn bottle as possible which is about 15m from the tee-off.Some young new talent was awoken by this event of endurance and persition. (the Jammin comming out of nowhere to take fourth and Jacky almost killing a spectator). Mr. J did go on to win the thing, with Damon comming in a close second. Then on to the:

2. Orange eating and peeling

Using nothing but your wits, hands and mouth you have to peel and eat a count 56 Navel orange as fast as you can. Mr. J took the first prize again with 35secs and Sera can in dead last with 3 minutes and 45secs, this is not a event where you are supposed to be looking good while doing it, even though we all got sponsored with designer aprons .
3. Bubble blowing

Bubble blowing is indeed a very percise sport that can only be perfected by spending about 3 hours per day in the Benoni mall. The competition was to basically see who could blow the biggest most stylish Bubble. Keep in mind that this event only happend after a decent braai, and couple of good glasses of wine and a meal that will blow your socks of (bar the beer bread). As can be seen in the pictures there where some real pearlers here.





Now due to further elated celebrations there where no further events being held, except mabey -the fireball challenge, the "try to negotiate Jammin out of his double bed by using your olympics points" challenge, the kopskiet beer downing challenge, or the "best joke about a fridge" challenge. all of these where unofficial so we can all claim to be winners and yet also losers.


Here are some more random pics. Thanks to all, it was crazy baboon fighting good.

The super pout

Just a little something to entertain you till the big FWO exposê.
More gallery of the absurd here

FWO roundup prosponed

Due to the emence Physical and Mental strain experiences by all the participents of the Francshoek Winter Olympics I will only be able to give a full report back once i have grown my brain back and have efficent memory to recount the play by plays. Not trying to create suspence, but I am only human after all.

All I can tell you thus far is that this handsome brother on the left won the gold, (other results on the right).

The Office

I am writing this from work (over several days) despite the fact that I have not been given access to e-mail or the world wide web…hah I laugh at the minions attempt to stop me from wasting company time and spit in their general direction.

So I’m one week into my role as a contracting design engineer with a multi-national engineering firm and have to admit surprisingly little has happened!! I get given work and then pretty much get left alone. I think that somehow a rumour got circulated that I actually know what I’m doing…well no point dispelling that now. Was shown around the office, which consists of a corridor about fifty meters long by 10 wide with desks, people and computers shoved down either side. There are about 45 people in the office of which I know maybe four to say hello to and that’s it!! A truly bizarre situation.

So am I on the road to becoming a world leader in the design and manufacture of long wall armoured face conveyors? Probably not but I do have some pretty nifty perks as a contractor. I am allowed to work as many hours a week as I like all at a set hourly rate so I get to pretty much write my own pay check depending on how energetic I’m feeling. I only have to work a minimum of 37 Hrs a week (I remember spending more time in school!) and may do so in however many days I like. So 9hrs 15min a day Mon-Thurs and Friday is all mine!! Pity there’s no beach to go to though…or the weather to encourage that sort of behaviour.

I have moved into a house share with seven other people, six of them girls! We have two nurses, two teachers, a firemaness (well she does admin at the firestation) and one that’s yet to move in but already we are seeing the uniform potential here, no? Suppose I’m going to have to get me a hard hat and some overalls now! The other guy is cool and used to be a race driver and now has a couple of start-up ventures going related to racing cars and is going out the firemanness. The house is old school England and really (by UK standards) big. It is also only five, maybe ten with a hangover, minutes walk from the ‘city’ centre and about twenty pubs…hmmm think I may just fit in here.

Have just been invited to the pub for lunch by an unknown from the far side of the corridor…not alone obviously so maybe get to meet some relatively interesting people over a curry and a pint which they don’t mind you doing as long as you don’t return sloshed! Know your limit I was told and I could do it every day! Yet I don’t get fucking internet access?…? Go figure.

Exciting times in England!! Wednesday they win the Olympic games for 2012 and the very next day the bombs on the London underground!!! Just to let you all know I am safe and sound in the world of the Worcester sauce…nothing that exciting happens out this here.
Well time for the weekend!! Hope you all have a great one planned.
Later.

Customer Complaint

Being in the fruit game, i get my fair share of customer complaints, but this morning I got handed a small handwritten note on personalised stationary that read:

Greetings
Kindly ask the farmer who produced these sweet, soft flesh, intense citrus flavour Mandarins, to shove them up his aarse. They are apalling.
Regards
With love
Sandi

Now that just made my day, I should probally give the old bag a call.

Lesbionics part 2

Sorry, since my post on lesbians this morning I have learnered something new from a collage. There are apparently two types of Lesbians. Those who wear strappy dresses and those who wear t-shirts. The ones I interviewed wear the first type and they are the only ones that employ the school of thought I expressed. My most sincerest apologies to all the dykes I have offended.

Coming to a Woolies this summer

Lesbionics

Your fearless reporter did it again, he ignored all the possible risks to his own life and he crawled into the belly of the beast. Yes, you've got it right, the 2nd ever:
Interview with a Lesbian
During the first one I was too drunk to remember anything.

Everything that i say here may be under correction cause once again there was some red wine involved.
So there were 4 and half lesbians and even though they did not agree, they where kinda on the same level about the following points:

1. There are no Male and Female roles in the lesbian relationships. The reason why you see a butchish he-lady and a brazillian supermodel together is because lesbian apparently look deeper than the superficial to find their personality.
2. The short hair is only a coincidence, if you meet a lesbian with long hair that means she is a new lesbian, she has yet to realise that the hair gets in the way.
3. The majority of lebians are bi-sexual. They can dig guys and they probally will go that way, but they are yet to find one that is better than their last lady friend.
4. Whats the difference between a lesbian and a killer whale? about 5 kg's and a checkered shirt. ha ha. Sorry i had to sneak it in my one and its my only lesbian joke.
5. The really butch lesbionic "dykes" are sooo not cool. They give rest rest a bad name.
6. And its about here where everything goes fuzzy, i'm sure i've left out something important, but that will have to wait till round 3.

Mobiado Executive Model

How cool is this phone? "no Mister Bond, i expect you to die" cool, "le big mac" cool, "jam jar" cool.

Its available with Cocobolo or Honduran Rosewood casing and has stainless steel buttons.
So if you have US$1900 just mosey over to Mobiado ,
This will go great with my Ferretti 810

thanks Cool Hunting

Olympic fever

Its olympic bid time!! Deep down I always thought that the country with the best logo will win, but apparently there are some other factors involved. This year all the big dogs are playing:
Realistically London is about as romantic as a three day old dog turd.

New York city is allready to full of themselves. they don't need this


Paris has allready lost out twice before, i think the bid commitee is trying to tell us something.

What is this? Can it be? We have a winner. Franschoek, and you dont have to wait till 2012, its happening THIS weekend. Can you feel it. To all the athletes fine tuning their muscles:

For when the One Great Scorer comes
To write against your name,
e marks-not that you won or lost-
But how you played the game.
Grantland Rice

I bring you the SLAMMIN JAMMINS

I know everone has Googled themselves. (I know that Sera has found out that her name sake to be a stripper). Well i gave the old Slammin Jammin a go and found out that there are a whole range of toys can get called (you geussed it) the Slammin Jammins .Whoo hoo.

Here are some of the cool ones:

the Evil head Mistress

the slammin Flea

These guys are hard core. Does'nt look like they are jammin though.

Uncle Emmer wants YOU

As people might have realised, DMers are not known for their technical wonder. We really suck. It took us about a week to figure out how to blog. So here's the thing:

WE NEED HELP. Can someone pls inform me how to zoop up this badboy.
I need:

1.to change the colours

2.to put up a home grown Die emmers logo

Thats all. If you can help me then we will sing your praises for years to come. We will feature anything you like- including nekkids of Mr. J

So Mr.J got promoted on Friday. Blinded by his new sense of purpose he decided that his car needs some remodeling.....


on the way home from work.

It someone's 20th birthday on Sunday

Steffie is indeed turning the big too oh. Mabey this new found maturity will inprove your 30 seconds skills. Ha ha. Well a big DMer happy happy to you all the way there picking up coconuts in Madagascar.

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
George Santayana (1863 - 1952),

In other news I am appaled by a website called Akkerliefies (in English its - Acorn Lovelies). Its a website featuring young Stellenbosch first years strutting their stuff in their bikini's. Now thats just wrong. My sister is still studying there and most probally your sister too. Who are these well-to-do Afrikaner slappers (and where were they when I was there).